There was this guy I was head over heels for. I couldn’t even look at him without blushing and quickly looking away after years of knowing each other. We had a lot in common and a lot of the same quirks. I thought I had found the person I’d been searching for most of my life, and they were only a few miles down the road all this time. I could literally talk to him day in and day out. He was so important to me. It brought me immense pleasure to bring him pleasure and happiness. It really didn’t matter what we were or were not doing, I just enjoyed spending time with him. His presence didn’t exhaust me. It energized me and brought me warmth. That’s one of the ways I could tell… I wanted to introduce him to all of my friends. On the rare occasion I could convince him to join me and my friends for an evening of fun, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. It was pretty embarrassing, and it would make my face hurt. One of the best feelings in the world was feeling the warmth of his accepting embrace. And feeling---thinking….he cared for me the same. I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I didn’t do. What I was, or what I wasn’t. Or what I couldn’t provide. These questions always haunt me. I never know. Therefore, I can never accept it, or heal. We still talk every now and then….I wouldn’t call it really talking. It’s obviously not the same. And it’s been a while since we’ve seen one another. I’ve tried to talk to others. I’ve tried to warm up to others. But there are some things you just don’t have the interest or energy for unless they come naturally, At least that’s the case with me. I don’t know what it was that drew me to him. The way we got to know one another wasn’t much different from most others I’ve gotten to know over the years. I guess that’s the whole chemistry thing people like to talk about. I miss that guy. I miss what I thought we had. It’s really difficult accepting that something so rare and important for and to you was a mistake on another’s end. It’s hard to accept that something as pure and passionate as genuine love wasn’t meant to exist.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Nov 2014 00:18:20 +0000
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