These last few days have been especially difficult for us. On Saturday we welcomed a film crew to our home who came to document our story. The purpose of the video will be to help raise awareness of the services of Ronald McDonald House Charities of the Central Valley, Inc. and how much they mean to families who receive haven there while their littles ones are receiving services at Childrens Hospital Central California. They were a great crew and we had a nice time speaking with them on & off camera. The thing we didnt except is the flood of emotion that followed. The stress, anxiety, and trauma all flooded back as we looked through videos and pictures we hadnt looked at in some time. I couldnt sleep the rest of the weekend. Without sleep it becomes more challenging to regulate emotions. All day Monday I had severe anxiety and panic attacks. It was incredibly difficult to function. That is ok. That is part of this journey. I earned these emotions and though they are hard to cope with sometimes they are mine. The grief will fade with time, the memories will remain. I will continue to accept the help of those who provide it, especially when I need it. Were very glad for the opportunity to share our story and connect with those who have been or might have to go through a similar journey. It isnt always easy. I am excited to see what the crew produces as it documents a time in our lives that will forever leave their mark upon our family. Then there was Tuesday... Lindsey took a pregnancy test yesterday and it was positive. That was followed by two more tests, each of which were positive. Lindsey saw her provider this morning. A preliminary ultrasound showed what could be an embryonic sac. Our situation was complicated as she has an intrauterine device (IUD), which is supposed to be the most effective form of birth control (99.9%). The problem is that an IUD is a t-shaped device in the uterus... where fertilized eggs implant and babies grow. Removing it or keeping it in place both present significant issues. Lindsey had to get a blood draw and return at 1:30 pm to see an ultrasound tech so we could get a better understanding of what we were facing. If the device were to be removed there is a 25-50% chance of pregnancy loss either immediately or in the next few days to weeks. That would make it our 9th miscarriage. If the IUD were kept in place there would still a significant risk for loss, infection, and preterm labor (up to 4x more likely). We were between the proverbial rock and hard place. Again. As it turns out the tests we took yesterday were false positives. Yes, three false positives. Three. The blood test came back with no levels of HCG. The follow-up ultrasound in the afternoon showed the IUD had caused irritation and clotting, which is what had been seen on the ultrasound this morning. Lindsey was not pregnant. I hope that when others read this they will see that it is ok to hurt. It is ok to cry. It is ok to struggle. It is ok to seek and receive help from others. Life will come at you in unexpected ways at unexpected times. It is ok to stumble and fall, and let others pick you up when you havent the strength to do so. This weeks experiences were a reminder of loss, of grace, of love, of life and death, of this very moment. A reminder that in the darkness is where the light shines the brightest. Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. These little lights of ours, were gonna let them shine.
Posted on: Thu, 16 Oct 2014 03:27:53 +0000
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