These underlying truths about human societies have informed most of my life and current ideology. I grew up a feminist. Yet, the cruel reality is that a man who chooses to eschew the vagaries of common chauvinistic dogma in todays world is not considered a real man by men and women alike. So while Im not dismissive of the issues raised by #YesAllWomen, I reckon the very women who so vehemently castigate society for these atrocities need also to define what they need from men beyond what they dont want. Some of the most progressive single mothers I know face high levels of insecurity and anxiety over how to raise a boy. They constantly struggle with their own notions of masculinity and femininity. Where or when on the gender continuum does a boy become defined as a man? How does a woman engender both a sensitivity and respect for the feminine yet somehow foster a sense of his own masculinity? Fathers, present and absent, however, are quite singular in their views. And why wouldnt they be. The current system favours them purely on the basis of their gender. Considering that two thirds of South African children are being raised by single women is it any wonder that the status quo, where boys model their masculinity on absent fathers and reject the feminine, is consistently perpetuated? Especially when mothers err on the side of teaching hyper masculinity to compensate for the absence of fathers. How often do we hear women tell their son: Stop being such a sissy, or man up, or youre crying like a girl.? I single out mothers because fathers (by virtue of migrant labour, entrenched cultural norms and sheer ineptitude among others) collude to define their role as conquistadors who compete and triumph with no consideration for those they hurt in the process. Mothers on the other hand, assume their role and duty as caregivers and measure their success on the basis of their skills as nurturers. Inherent in this system is the conflict I highlighted earlier. Slogans and anecdotes are clever. But men dont need sarcasm and wit. Were not that clever. We need, as boys, to be rewarded by mothers and fathers for being respectful and considerate of women and each other. This is what drives us. A clear incentive. It is not complicated. Yet as a single parent, I still see the foundations of chauvinism being laid in early childhood. Hyper masculinity is revered, while femininity is denigrated. My view is this, the change in society that #YesAllWomen are lobbying for is not some nebulous concept abstracted from a litany of crime, anecdotes and research trends. It starts at the beginning of each life. Sadly, in our context, that means the onus is on you singe moms. You must reward your boys for being respectful and teach your girls that masculinity is not defined in the base terms of dominance and provision. When enough young men and women learn this, the definition of masculinity will shift from Dominate, protect and provide to Respect, nurture and Love. In a world like, this #YesAllWomen will no longer be needed. It is happening though, but far too slowly and very far away from the people on the ground. I remember when James Bond slapped his bond girl first and then kissed her. In recent times he reported to a woman. We can however, take heart from the tiny increments and stay the course towards the ideal.
Posted on: Tue, 03 Jun 2014 07:49:16 +0000
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