These were blog entries from 2008 when I was severely depressed, on anti-depressants, quit my job because I couldnt handle being around people and spent 3 months in a dark basement contemplating suicide. “I’m scared of going out there in the world right now. Scared I might really lose it. At least in the darkness down there, I’m saving my mind, the little piece of it that’s left. I’m fighting this enemy while I’m alone but I can’t fight it when I’m not by myself. I guess it’s because every time I try to come out, they pull me back into their world and I can’t survive in that world. They think I’ll be normal again the more time I spend there, but they’re killing me every time they ask me to come back. That’s what makes me so sad, because I want so much to be with them all, just like we used to be, when I was happy, but I’m not able to. I’m not doing this to hurt them; I don’t want to hurt them. I’m doing this to save myself; I’m doing it because I want to get better. I want to join them someday when I’m ready.” 8/16/08 “Every day is just another day full of the worst pain imaginable. There’s nothing like the pain that sears all through your heart burning it from the inside. I told God I always used to complain about pain, but it wasn’t like this. This is the WORST kind of pain. It feeds on your thoughts and your life and it kills every part of you. When it’s done eating away at the small fragments that are left, it leaves you alone and dead inside, incapable of ever recovering from the joy it took away. That’s what it feels like every day. You can’t eat or sleep or do anything, you just want to lie there and die because you’re miserable, and while everyone is living happy lives around you, you’re just lying there giving up hope because every day is another day to lie there while the world is going on around you.” -8/16/08 “I go to sleep every night praying that God heals my mind, that He takes away the depression so that I can be myself again. I don’t think I can handle other people right now, talking to them, seeing them, any of that. It only makes me more depressed because I’m not WITH them. I can’t emotionally do it. And that makes me feel even more powerless. It’s a bad cycle, depression, because you try to get out, but it keeps pulling you back under.” 08/16/08 “I’m dedicating every bit of strength I have left in me to getting better. I never realized that my heart was this strong. I don’t think anyone realizes how strong they are until they have to fight. I can still feel my heart beating inside me. It can’t take away my determination; it’s the one thing I have left. And I’m determined to overcome this.” -8/16/08
Posted on: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 21:00:42 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015