They are saying pray, have faith, its not over yet, shes strong, and all that comes to my mind is something laughing back at me and taunting me with a clock that spins so fast, I know I wont make it. My body aches with a pain nothing in the world can describe, like I ran a mile in the Sahara desert while trying to push a hummer truck. I dont know what it is, and its this uncertainty that kept me up at night crying like the big baby I am. The word cancer still rings in my head, I can still see the entire scene playing out while everything becomes mute and distorted, a ringing noise stuck in my ear drums as I try to hold on to my sanity and keep it together. Of course I broke down because, I havent done anything she is waiting from me. I havent graduate yet, I havent had my first boyfriend, and Im sure as hell that I aint engage and wont be anytime soon. Children isnt up to me but my future husband so my mothers chances at seeing that decrease. Im scared, not because im clingy towards my mom but because I cant do the things she has been looking forward in me, times laughing in my face as it looks at me and at my desperate look at trying to find the first guy that makes that connection with me and get married, yeah, thats not happening. Is it cancer? Thats what I keep asking myself at every second. Like some possessed being, I keep repeating to myself that its not, its something else but that laughter just cintinues to laugh at me. Im told to pray to God and all I really want to do is go up to him in person, and yell at him, how many times did I ask for him in not being what all the odds are leaning towards, is this funny? Is this a test to see how much I will be crying, newsflash, thats all I did yesterday and the night! I cant focus on my exams, on final papers, I cant think! DAMN IT! How do you expect me to be strong and focus when theres no time! Shes going to die and im not prepared, I still havent taken her to Japan, bought her the red jeep she wants, I need more TIME! Is it cancer? I hope its not cancer, have I prayed? Yes, asking to fail my geology course and other courses just to have the results be in my favor. But somewhere inside me, someones telling me, the odds are never in our favor.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Dec 2014 20:52:18 +0000
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