They are slowly losing power. These vices of mine have stopped being what they once were. A blockade from myself, from others. A seemingly impenetrable fog beyond which I assumed there was lots of danger...best to avoid it I would say but imagine for a moment---the opposite. Mostly. The thing is...it is scary...and much much more beautiful than I could have imagined. Everything I long for, dream about, wish, hope and pray is just beyond my fear. I remember 7 years ago asking my then therapist..is there more? I mean, am I just supposed to feel...like this? He asked, like what? --like you have nothing to live for but you just live anyway? It doesnt have to feel like that. It seems from that day forward I started climbing out..glacially at first with bursts of seemingly sudden growth. The fact is, I just didnt notice the path along the way. I didnt see my efforts because I dont celebrate...well...anything. I know how to hold on to defeat, pain, sorrow, guilt and shame. I could not hold on to the positive it seemed. Hence--therapy. Then, it started to change. It picked up speed. The accelerant of dormant rage moves me down what feels like a steep descent when in fact, we are gaining altitude.? No longer looking at the world through a screen door. I see it for myself. I am here..present and ready on my own behalf. All these years have passed after asking the question and blindly, Ive wandered into the fog of our collective exiled children. Where what was lives enmeshed with what is. I think we get choose all over again every. single. day. I have to walk into this mysterious world to see what can BE rather defending my limitations. I am choosing to make my dream..a reality and Im never more than a thought away from despair or peace. This is the moment that I thought would never arrive. There is no place to hide and the work I must do to evolve is no longer one day...its now. Now is the time to lay every distraction down..to see more clearly who I am...and am not. I will struggle. Im supposed to. But I will also prevail.
Posted on: Thu, 29 May 2014 02:06:47 +0000
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