Things about race my father said ... During some Christmas holidays about six years ago my dad explained to me that he was in Kinshasa when the first white restaurant was opened to black people. It was in the late sixties. He made a remark about it to his friend who owned it. He thought the black men who came in behaved in quite an arrogant way. In telling me the story he said he had no idea that a few years later he would adopt a black child. I hadnt realised then to what extent my dad had divested himself from the weight of his social context. After all, he is a Belgian man who moved to Congo in the fifties. When growing up, my dad often asked if I would marry a black man or a white one. Aged 8, I started to answer that he would have to be mixed race. I think it was mainly teasingly that he asked since it was usually amongst guests. Also, my dad was a master at diplomacy and raised all his kids with a strong sense of etiquette but the way he used to put us on the spot at a very young age was very testing! Im quite sure I said metisse for the first time, not just to push off the question smartly but because it was asked in the presence of the then prime minister who was very light-skinned ... being daddys tactful girl. Back to 6 years ago. My dad worried that raising a black girl in a white environment had messed a bit with me. My vocab here, he obviously does not speak like that. There is nothing to reply to that really. I have no idea what I said. He answered his own thoughts when he was in Cape Town a few years ago and was suprised at my social network, he commented that considering that I was a black woman in South Africa, I was doing well. There are some things that my dad hasnt said but has taught me by simply raising me (I wonder if that is my gratitude posts, finally!): No 1. I shall neither fear white people nor power. It might sound ridiculous but if you knew the number of times I wait patiently for service, with kindness and tact but clearly not going nowhere. And then I get it. No shouting, no scandal but bank managers have offered me service with a smile even though Im humblest, small budgeted me - who stayed right there till I was heard. There are people I have shut out, because I can. I do not exist to please, I might not have known that had I been raised differently. And I immediately forget my parents friends who wonder if I still see Nelly and Maurice rather than ask me how my parents are - all their other friends, I remember fondly. No 2. I shall not fear black people and pressure. If it is a matter of fitting in, that stopped working when I was a teenager. You might have heard me say that I was the only black kid at white parties and the only black kid who danced like a white one at the black kids parties. Everything from there became a matter of negotiating being accepted as myself, with all the teasing about my little voice included but especially my lack of knowledge about African cultures and history. Some wonderful friends helped speed the process. Was it so black and white or do I have it wrong? Come on my friends, remember! No 3. I shall be happy. Could I live in my country where most often salaries range not on skills only but on colour skin too? Of course that does not apply to all. Some black people are well off - 6% of the population! Anyone with power can acquire more of it. As for me, age 18, I was out of there. And where did I end up? In South Africa. God has such a lovely sense of humour! I was the only foreign black woman I knew in Durban in my 2 years there. Cape Town at least felt different. But just landing here in 93, not seeing my sister immediately, I soon realised the woman at enquiries wasnt going to help me because my description of my sister was way beyond her imagination! Well, lets be happy with what we have: I have built up a community of black friends from here and everywhere, South African friends of any colour who all think theyre black and some white friends from other countries who get the issue. Anyone else, I just cant handle. But does all this race stuff matter? It does since it is the difference between getting a job or not, getting acknowledged as a person or not, getting a visa or not, seeing ones own beauty or not. Its been the difference for many between living or dying, getting education or bantu education, having freedom or pass laws/prison/torture /suicide by hanging or falling off the window. And that is the recent past. And in the present, we have so internalised racism that black people say and do the most oppressive things to other black people. Gosh, this all matters! And not only that, we can all make it matter more through becoming aware of our sphere of influence and transforming our spaces.
Posted on: Wed, 08 Oct 2014 09:10:54 +0000
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