This day I knew would come and tear upon my heart strings. it has been one year today since my beloved son passed. It doesnt feel like a year at all..it feels like yesterday, Ive learned a lot about grief. it became a huge part of my life. Now Ive certainly experienced it before, but losing a child, your first child it is something incomparable to anything else. The pain that lives in my heart often consumes me much to my avail. Trust me I try not to dwell or let it take control. Though it just does. Some days are better than others and then theres days like today... ive had a lot of time to think about life, about losing my son, and how it affects not only me but my sons as well. it has changed us all. Many of you who know me or interacted with me on a social basis probably thought I was completely losing it. I was. And let me apologize now if i did anything or said anything to hurt or offend anyone. I needed to say that so just allow me to please. While I know all about the stages of grief there really is no set way or standard it affects everyone differently. I never in a million years thought Id lose one of my children. Nothing in life prepares you for that nothing ever will. You just have to take it one tiny step at a time and find your own way to deal with it. I also had an almost identical experience of being all those weeks with my son in the Hospital, but sadly with my Mother who is slowly succumbing to Breast Cancer and Alzhiemers. I just returned from spending almost six weeks with her in the hospital and then hospice. So it made this whole recovery thing come to a screeching halt in a way and yet a constant reminder of my son and all that time at Harborview. I really need some time to just heal.... Im so grateful I had all those weeks to be with him there at the hospital with Mathew. It was a journey of preparing for his transition. When I came in that first day deep within my heart and my soul despite my wanting desperately for a better outcome, I knew..I just knew how this would end. And so from that point on every single second I spent with my son was the most important thing in the world to me. These were moments I would never get back. It was liken to being in the worse birthing labor, but in reverse, as instead of getting a new beautiful baby to take home..I was having to give mine back. My God I cannot even begin to tell you what that was doing to me. Though at the same time I never felt more determination or more Grace in my life. I knew what i had to do. that I needed to make my son feel safe and Loved and surrounded by Grace so that when the time came..we could all help him to feel that it as OK to let go and to not be afraid. I held him for what seemed an eternity and also just rare moments as I sang and the Minister and I read some of his favorite scriptures.The Family all held and touched him we surrounded him with the highest form of love that we could... as excruciating as it was..it was also so amazingly beautiful. At that moment, the pure Love was so profound that I am sure it will stay with each of us for eternity. I waited a long time to really sit and look at these photos..it was much too painful. And today I decided to share with all of you a few photos of what are to me the most precious things i have and experienced. My last few moments with my baby, my son, my best friend...my darling Mathew James Barber... I know you are always with us, watching over your brothers and I. And I feel content knowing that you are happy and at peace. I love you my son..and I miss you more today than every other day and will always miss you...
Posted on: Wed, 01 Oct 2014 20:08:27 +0000
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