This has been such a great weekend! Spending time with all of my in-laws on Saturday Jennifer Lancaster Ritchie Todd Ritchie Melissa Lancaster Cooke and Becky Lancaster Cawley and my brother-in-law Shaun while my husband was at work, out with my whole group of friends on Saturday night, and then ending it with yet another wonderful church service and our church Christmas program tonight! Once again I will say how I am blessed to have all of these wonderful people in my life. Although most of my weekend was absolutely amazing, it didnt start out that way. Mental health illnesses have always been such a pariah in our country today, which means there are many people out there struggling with these illnesses that dont reach out and get help because they are scared of being judged. So I have decided to use this post tonight to share my own personal journey battling post partum depression in hopes that there will be someone who reads it and realizes that struggling with these things is nothing to be ashamed of. We learned about post partum depression during mother/baby nursing this spring, but I never even stopped to consider that it may end up affecting me. Mothers dealing with normal post partum hormonal imbalances can be affected with post partum depression, and then adding in the traumatic birth experience I had, honestly it should be no surprise that I am being affected. I missed out on the first week of Rylans life. I did not have the natural labor and child birth that I was so looking forward to having and bonding with my husband over. Another wish of mine was to breastfeed Rylan, which I am not able to do now due to all of the medication that I am still on and it does not need to be passed through my breast milk to her. On top of all of that, rehab has been far from easy. I remember sobbing because Rylan was not allowed to spend the night at the rehab hospital and she had to go home with family every night. I was 100% bed bound for 2 weeks, and getting enough strength back to walk on my own was a task in itself. I could barely hold the 8 pound weight in rehab they had me use to simulate taking care of Rylan. My mind had to rehab as well. Today when I was looking at the clock, it all of a sudden struck me how when I first woke up from my coma, I wasnt even able to look at a clock and tell what time it was. Talk about scary. I remember just staring at the clock, and I KNEW that I knew how to tell time, but I just couldnt remember how to. The mind rehab was probably the hardest for me, because I have always enjoyed engaging my brain throughout my daily life- not being able to go back to school in the spring was really a blow to my ego and my go-get-um attitude. As of now, my rehab has really hit a plateau, and this state of stagnation really grates on me some days. Now Ill get to the nitty gritty. I am currently on my 4th different medication/dosage of depression medications. There are some days that are good, and those days are more than the others, but then there are some days that are bad. And when theyre bad, theyre really bad. I wont lie, I have had thoughts of taking my own life. Some days driving straight into oncoming traffic seems easier than continuing to deal with what I deal with on a daily basis. Most days when I wake up after sleeping 8 hours, I wake up still exhausted, counting down the hours until I can get back home and get back in bed. If my husband didnt make me get up, I would probably lay in bed all day long. Every day I see people who tell me how great I look, when they have no idea of the internal struggle I still deal with every day. They ask me how Im doing and I smile and say good, because thats what Im supposed to say. Nobody wants to hear my sob story, so I just keep it at that. Some days I ask God why he didnt just take me home to be with him in heaven on September 5th, and he gently reminds me that he still has a plan for me on this Earth and there are still people whos lives he has for me to touch for his will and purpose. As I said before, my weekend did not start out very good at all. Friday was one of my bad days. There will be 4 or 5 good days in a row and I start to think I am getting better, and then a bad day will come out and hit me and I realize I have a lot more recovering to do still. On Friday I was riding in the car after one of our errands, and I was just sobbing- tears running down my cheeks as I looked over at my sweet sleeping baby. Now before I scare all of you, the thoughts of suicide have now completely stopped. Rylan deserves a mother, and it would be selfish of me to take that away from her. I grew up without two parents with my dad being out of the picture, so I know how hard it can be and my innocent baby girl does not deserve that kind of pain. Jeremy and I see a counselor once a week, and being able to talk to an unbiased outside party has helped a lot, I think. I am so beyond blessed to have the husband that I have. The fact that I feel comfortable enough to share these feelings I have with him means more than you know. There are so many people who are married and hardly ever communicate their feelings with each other, but Jeremy and I talk about our feelings daily. He normally knows just what I need to hear to help pull me out of the rut Im in. He is constantly checking in on my emotional well being, and he has done everything he can to make sure I am on the best medicine and seeing the best medical professionals to help me deal with not only my physical health, but also my mental health. I know that sharing these thoughts with others and getting help was a great decision on my part, and I am so glad that I was able to do that. So I urge you all to please, please, PLEASE do not be scared to talk to others about your problems, especially if you are having these thoughts. Reach out to me if you need to and I would be more than happy to help point you in the right direction, or just listen to you talk if thats what you need. God has a purpose for all of us here on this Earth, you included. Dear Lord, Thank you so much for saving my life on September 5th and allowing me to be here for Rylans life and be a mother to her. It is one of my biggest blessings for sure. Please continue to remind me that I am needed in so many peoples lives and that is the reason you allowed me to stay on this Earth. Continue to help me process my emotions daily and continue to heal my mind and my body. I am trusting in you for complete healing and pray that I will be able to follow your plan for me life and succumb totally to your will and let go of my life plans. They say if you wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans. Remind me daily that your plan is much better than anything I could ever plan. I love you God, Amen.
Posted on: Mon, 15 Dec 2014 04:47:28 +0000
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