This hit home, hard! I have been suffering depression since I was a little girl. I was hurt by someone who should have been a protector. My mom, my dad, my nana, my friends no one knew but me. I kept it secret for 20 years. Listening to this woman talk about how her depression affects her, listening to the manic in her voice was a reflection upon a mirror of my own depression. The sleepless nights, the anxiety, the panic and the sheer frustration that others would just say to you, you choose how you feel. You can get up whenever you want ( if you want) Why didnt you sleep? Why did you sleep so long? Why are you always playing video games? Go out, have fun. Why dont you just... Why cant you... Whats wrong with you??? In two words I can tell you. Everything. Nothing. There is everything wrong with me. I am depressed. I dont fit into the main stream. I can be better. I can choose to be happy or not. I can change everything because everyone, says I can. And yet nothing is wrong with me. I am fine. There is nothing wrong because I can hide it. I am just like everyone else. I am changing me to be better... But take a look for just one moment. Does that sound right??? This is what I have learned in the last year to add to things I have done to try and understand myself. Everything is wrong, because I am not well. I suffer from depression. I also suffer from cluster headaches. Two diseases that are almost unnoticeable. One drains me of joy, love and hope and fills me with sorrow, pain, loss, fear, anxiety, panic, distress, loneliness, hate, anger, frustration, manic times and most of all a loss of want. A want to live. The other which keeps me from working, gives me more pain, amplifies my fears and anxiety and hasnt stopped in 8 years and 4 days. 24 hours of migraine level pain but so much more. You cant always see these things but they are there never letting go always there with every breath of every moment of every day. And nothing. Because I am not alone. Others suffer from depression and anxiety. Some better off than I and some worse off. Many lose their battles with the diseases that you cant see. Others live with it and can move forward. I am ok but at the same time I am not. I try sooooo hard to explain to anyone who will listen what goes on in my head. The relentless panic and manic sorting and fitting that happens. You can hear in in her story. You can hear the connections that happen. For me it starts out with one thing that needs to be done and then goes to the next. But you cant get that done till you do this. But to do this you have to get that. To get that you need this. etc. etc. It builds and builds keeping you from sleeping and accomplishing what you need to let alone what you want to do. Some say my headaches started because I was stressed or depressed... No not at all. They started when I was at my happiest. I was employed full time at a job I loved. I was saving to start a couple businesses. I was finding the schools I wanted to study at. I was looking for a place of my own. I was happy. I was finally moving forward and accomplishing my dreams. My depression was there but it wasnt too bad. But on Dec 1 2006 my world came to an end when I was hit with the worst pain anyone could ever experience. And in a moment I lost everything. I was diagnosed with cluster headaches and my depression took hold of me. I was working only when the pain was manageable. But that didnt last the year. I fell hard I didnt see or talk to anyone for 2 years. I stayed home and surrounded myself with video games and didnt want to do anything. What could I do? I couldnt barely get through a day. My medications were so many and so high of a dose I could barely read, write or remember anything. I had one friend who helped me out get out of the house. Two who were there and years to wait till I could smile without forcing it again. Because of a few I now have many. I still suffer every minute of every day but it is more bearable than it once was. My depression still hurts but I have someone who can help me up. My head has gotten worse again but someone is there to remind me to breath. So few are in my life but those few have been there or have seen me and understand. They have been touched by depression in more ways than one. This is but a small touch of what it is to be me. Soooo much more but this is what I am saying. It isnt easy to say anything. I am used to being raised with my life my business attitude. Which is fine but to the extreme we shut off from the world around us. I am used to giving what people want to hear instead of who I am. Please take the time to share this video. You need not say one word but watch. If one person can see this and know they are not alone or it gives them or someone new prospective about someone in their life. Then the world is ok for a minute again. Love those around you unconditionally. One day they may not be there to share anything with you again. Remember we all try to tell you but you need to understand to hear, and be willing to listen. Rob Guthrie, Shannon L Johnstone, Kristen Belong Thank you from the bottom of my soul. You are always there when I was at my lowest. Words will never be enough and I can never show you how much it has meant to me over the years, that you would be there for me. Please know that my being here and speaking up is the only way I can show you all my deepest appreciation of the love you have given me. I owe you all my life many times over. You always popped up in my life when I needed hope. When at my lowest without fail you guys were there. I am far from being who I can be. But because of you I can be happy with who I am. And be proud to call you family. Thank you! I am forever grateful.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Dec 2014 07:46:36 +0000
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