This is a letter I wrote to the Horizon Health Network. I wanted to tell my story to maybe help some new mothers deal with this type of adversity while breastfeeding. I hope this will raise a little awareness on this issue... : My name is Caroline LeBlanc. I have recently given birth to my second child at the Moncton City Hospital (my first being born at the George-Dumont Hospital). My baby boy is now 7 months old. I am writing to you, in the hopes of easing my mind of something that has been bothering me ever since my little boy was 1 week old. My pregnancy and labor/delivery was by no means easy. I had a lot of pain and difficulty working while I was pregnant, and had to stop one month before my due date, due to Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, which I am still dealing with 7 months post-partum. The birth of my baby boy was a VBAC, but was very nearly a C-section, and I had to go through many hours of labor, an episiotomy and the use of the ‘Vacuum’ to get him out safely. After what was very much a trauma for me and him, I had to deal with issues with breastfeeding (improper latch, bleeding, severe engorgement, overactive letdown reflex, and finally, Thrush). I had breastfed my daughter for a year, so I was determined to get through all this and breastfeed my baby boy for as long as her. While I was dealing with all this, not counting the lack of sleep and pelvic pain, I had developed a bladder infection, and granulation tissue at the site of episiotomy (which only went away 5 months post-partum after having a silver nitrate treatment), so I was in a lot of pain. Now as you can imagine, being mother to a newborn baby and a 2 1/2 year old toddler has its challenges. The most prominent one for me was guilt. Guilt that I wasn’t able to spend as much time with my daughter. Guilt at the frustration I felt while trying to breastfeed my son, all the while secretly wishing it would go away and seriously considering quitting breastfeeding. Guilt at having absolutely no patience with my daughter, my husband and even my baby. Guilt was very much a part of my everyday life, and still is to this moment (and I have a feeling guilt will be part of my life until the day I die). Now, while I was dealing with all that, plus the trauma of birth and a very warped body image, I had to go to the hospital for this infamous bladder infection. Breastfeeding was not established yet, and so I didn’t want to give my son a bottle while I had to go to the emergency room, so we decided to bring my daughter to my brother’s house and bring my son with us to the hospital (really, what choice did we have). It was a Saturday, so the hospital was my only choice, and I was in a lot of pain, so I didn’t want to wait until Monday to see my doctor. Now in my mind, I wasn’t thinking it would be an issue, I mean, where in the world is a better place to breastfeed than the hospital, where they promote breastfeeding to anyone willing to hear? Well, was I ever mistaken! When I got to the triage nurse, I entered alone, while my husband stayed in the waiting room with my son. The nurse immediately asked me if it was my baby out there. I said yes, and then she proceeded to ask me to tell my husband to get out of the waiting room, because she was afraid the baby might catch something (which I admit, is a very real concern, although he was sitting nowhere near anyone and we had put 2 blankets over the car seat so there would be minimal exposure to the air around). She stood up right away to ‘gently’ point him to the door, but then, feeling like I had to defend myself (the guilt was definitely full blown at this point), I mentioned that we brought him because I was breastfeeding and he had to be with me at all times. And now, here is my issue. This is what has been bothering me for 7 long months of thinking about this incident over and over again. The nurse sat back down and said under her breath, with an accompanying eye roll: ‘You girls with your breastfeeding’ Well, the first thing that came through my mind was ‘I’m a terrible mother!! Bringing my baby to the emergency room!’. There’s the guilt again, rearing it’s ugly head. But then, indignation came along, with frustration, and then flat out anger. How dare she say something like that! Of course, I didn’t say a thing to her, feeling very insecure, vulnerable and, of course, guilty! But the anger was brewing inside. She then proceeded to ask if there was a way that my husband could go wait in the car, and then call me when the baby was hungry, so I could go there to feed. When that was not an option, she asked me if he could just go take a walk and come check once in a while to make sure I was still in the waiting room, and then, when the baby needed to eat, we could go out. After going through many scenarios, I was finally out of the triage room, and the doctor called me in almost instantly. I ended up having to have a catheter put in and staying for many hours in that little room. My son fed 2 times. Many people would not have found this episode to be of any significance, but for me, it was a defining moment. I was already very insecure and uncertain that breastfeeding was going to be possible this time. I was very upset about that. Very upset. And then, this happened at a time where I was feeling one of the most vulnerables in my life. I would have surely quit after that, had I not had that anger brewing inside me. And determination to prove that woman wrong. That I WOULD get through this adversity and come out a winner, for my son AND for me. But had I not been so determined, or had I not breastfed my daughter for so long, I would not have continued. And as you can see, the anger that has been lit inside me, is still there and stronger than ever now, after 7 months. This is why I am writing this letter. I want this anger to go away. I want awareness for new mothers everywhere. A small comment, seemingly harmless, can destroy a mother’s confidence with breastfeeding. A hospital, the place where my son was born. Where he took his first breath. Where he had his first meal. A place that advocates being ‘Breast Friendly’, where you are judged if you choose not to breastfeed, where there are experts in this field. A place where mothers need to feel safe. It is now a place where I have a lot of anger. It is a place in my mind now, that is hypocrite. I do not know the name of this nurse, nor do I want to know. I am not writing this to ‘discipline’ someone, but to raise awareness on the accountability of educating the staff to support breastfeeding mothers. I am by no means someone who breastfeeds in public. I will go hide in the car, in the public washrooms, in a closet if I have to. I do envy mothers who are confident enough to do it anywhere, but I’ll never be that mother. In part, because of people who judge, like this nurse. I am still breastfeeding my son, and plan on doing it until I go back to work, and maybe even a little after that. This has not deterred me from breastfeeding. But it HAS affected me and shaken my confidence. I still think about it everyday. I want to stop thinking about it. I want to focus all this energy on loving my family. So here it is, I am writing it. I am releasing the anger and the disappointment. Do with it as you please, but I hope this might open some eyes. I hope there will be efforts made to educate ALL staff. I hope this never happens again. Thank you for your understanding.
Posted on: Wed, 06 Nov 2013 16:39:49 +0000
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