This is gonna be a stream of rambling thought. So let me just preface it by saying that I realize Im truly blessed...exceedingly and abundantly above what I deserve. Please know these are questions, thoughts, and concerns that are of the strictest 1st world variety, and they concern me and me only...and they are being voiced as I type. But maybe they are things you identify with in your life in one way or another. First off...I think it sucks that MC Playdough isnt famous. No. Its not about fame. But this dude puts in all the work, has all the talent, just put out an amazing record, and Im shocked that its not one of the biggest records out right now. I say that as a kid that was a fan of his before I ever knew who he was. We started talking the other night. We kept it super real with each other. Fame isnt the goal. It really isnt. Success..fort...validation...those are parts of the goal. If theyre selfish pursuits then I am definitely selfish to want those things in correlation with all of the things that come in tandem with living up to a calling. I guess Im just curious where its all broken down? I guess Im curious as to why things havent progressed further? Im not unhappy with where Im at. I just know that Ive worked harder than I could possibly express to get to the point that Im at...and its still virtually nowhere in the vast configuration of the music industry. Maybe its because I never failed at anything I put my mind to before I started doing this. Everything came easy to me. This is the first time Ive done something that hasnt given back to me what Ive put into it. 250 days a year away from family and friends. Man...thats fine. Sleeping in a car for the first few years...thats fine. Giving music away for free...thats fine. Getting amazing reviews and coverage from awesome websites, publications, and blogs...awesome. Having great fans...amazing. But it somehow hasnt amounted to anything other than what it kinda was at the beginning. More people know of me. But with the exception of big festivals where thousands come out...I still get basically the same amount of people at my shows than I did when I first started. I still drive to almost every show...hours and hours and hours. Because flying just isnt economically tenable. Still struggle to gain followers on social media. Still struggle to be real in my spiritual life. Still struggle to be honest and not cookie cutter without offending a Christian subculture that I grew up in and respect immensely. Playdough brought up the interesting idea that maybe it has something to do with the fact that our fans...just expect this from us? Im not news to anyone that listens to me anymore. Yall expect me to be dope and you expect me to be dope often. Theres nothing new to the movement. Its not oh...this is some new guy whos killing it. Its this is a guy Im a huge fan of. Typically the response will be is he new? No...hes put out like 10 records in 3 years. He tours the world full time Oh...well Ive never heard of him. And the assumption is that since Ive been going at it so hard for 5 years...if I havent made it by now...I never will. For every Austin Mahone...theres 10k Heath McNeases. For every Justin Bieber there are 10k Playdoughs. Every now and then an amazing band like The Black Keys miraculously slips through the cracks of this nebulous control group. My CS Lewis records have been downloaded by more than 50k people, but I dont know who those people are. I hear from many...But most I never heard from again. Free product in their hands. The Nintendo mixtape is kinda the same thing. I play shows...Im always invited back to do it all over again. But theres something that just never really materializes, and I dont know why exactly. If I sucked...Id know it by now. I have a lot of really cool fans, so I know Im not fooling myself. And the fanbase represents different age groups and walks of life, so I know that it is approachable outside of just one segment. I do rap, I do folk, write pop, do worship. I remain flexible for every venue. So I guess Im asking...should I stop trying to make music that my small base of fans enjoy and just aim for something else? Should I make different music? Should I advertise differently? Should I change everything up altogether? Should I try to market myself as something Im not? Should I spend 25k dollars on marketing smoke and mirrors in order to get people I dont know to believe that Im someone/something that Im not? Money that I could save so that I can continue to give things away for free to people who have come to expect nothing but that from me and many others like me? Should I get an instagram account full of selfies so that I seem current and open? I can keep making a living off of music...that s no problem. But I am superrrrrr tired of always chasing something that never happens. The Bounce House thing was a cool and unexpected bit of press...but it still amounted to nothing. Time, Uproxx, AV Club, Daily Dot, Elite Daily, YouTubeNation...tons of amazing publications covered it. Ones that Ive never gotten before. Publications with millions and millions of followers. Entities I wouldve killed to be covered by with something of my own. I think maybe 100 people actually bought the song. I think it maybe got me 100 extra subscribers on youtube. Now thats a fun, stupid video that we did as an April Fools joke...but it represents a greater issue. Just because people like it, doesnt mean its going to be successful. Just because it got a lot of press...doesnt mean it amounts to anything other than something I can tell you guys happened so youll think Im cool and making moves. Im not cool...and the moves are useless. People like me, but that doesnt mean Im gonna blow up. Playdough deserves it. Hes been doing it way longer than most people could even imagine...hes impacted lives in an amazing way, but he still hasnt gotten the success that his work would imply he deserves. I love my fans. But Ive truly come to realize that the fans I have will never be the thing that get me to the next tier. Ive always sworn by the maxim that a grassroots following would overpower the odds that are stacked against me. When the music industry imploded...it opened the world up to musicians who did things their own way, made the music they wanted to. It allowed them to maintain independence and grow with no compromise. But the industry has managed to dip its fingers in every facet of the independent life now. A market that was once controlled by labels is now controlled by thousands of fragmented blogs and publications and niche markets that are still prompted by what major labels do...either to follow that trend or stand in opposition of it. Either way...they still take their cue from the giants. I used to think Man...I dont care about any of that. Im just gonna make my music, do me, and itll all work out. And I can absolutely still do that. But in order to do that I have to continue to devote 250 and in some cases 300 days a year to this grind. Im so tired of it. I cant tell you guys how many near misses Ive had with songs getting placed on commercials, tv shows, movies. Bunim Murray Productions (they license music for many MTV/VH1 reality shows) wanted to license my whole catalogue for the albums that I made when I was with Sony in college...but Universal didnt allow it, because the money wasnt what they wanted. I had NO say in it. Im blessed. Truly blessed to live my dream. Truly blessed to call it my passion and my job. Its more than most people ever have. But I do think we are all allowed to voice our confusion or frustration with those who care about what we do. And maybe this gives some of you a closer look into a messy industry. Ive never gotten a big break. Never once. I think thats the thing I keep praying for. One big break. God knows (because I talk about it with him all the time) that I wouldnt be selfish with it. I go to bed sometimes and wake up just hoping that Ill open up my email and someone/something will be reaching out to say we heard this and we want to talk to you about working with us. Or that my publishers will call and say that one of my songs is gonna be used in a film. Ive begged God in pathetic ways for him to just make that one big break happen. If I drop the ball from there...itd be my own fault. But I dont think Ive ever gotten that opportunity. Conversely...with much guilt and shame...I admit Ive never prayed with half as much vigor or desperation about the lives of those less fortunate than I am. If I put half as much of my desperation during prayer into their lives...who knows what mountains could be moved. Maybe my perspective and priorities have disappeared or at least become oblique during this chase towards comfort. I know this is a novel...and most of you aint gonna read it all. haha. Please know Im typing it...then Im sending it. Im not editing it, Im not re-reading or proofreading. Im just sending, because I felt I should. So if you have any critique or criticism towards my motives...please email me. Dont send it here. It probably wont be seen by me for some time. Pray for me guys. And email me your prayers. I dont want this to be a one way street. I receive tons of emails from people every day with their prayer requests. I talk with them, email them, pray for them, and encourage them. I ask that you would pray for my heart and mind. Pray for my artistry. Pray for safety of travel....and maybe if you can...pray for that big break. : ) Feeling better already.
Posted on: Fri, 23 May 2014 21:17:12 +0000
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