This is long , Not for those to judge and not for those whom do not understand loss. So please bare with me when I need to write .Writing has helped me heal in many ways. For those that want to know a little about me here it is an open book.Thank you to all that have stuck by me when I have been difficult.Today I can look at myself and know I have risen above something that took so much away for so many years. STRENGTH. To this day I am very thankful for those that chose to loose their lives for our freedoms .I look at my past and am so thankful for the many who choose to give their lives so that I may continue to live. So here goes.: I call this Loss comes in many disguises It was the summer of 1962 mamma said you are going to a new home.Oh ok was the only thought I could muster up yet with some confusion.,I can only think what went through my mind because most of it was a blur at first. All of my siblings were as well as me under 10 years of age.I was just shy of my 5th birthday, my brother was 6.He and myself had the most memory of that day. The two younger siblings were babies. Not to remember the separation like the two oldest myself and my brother.The state took us away . This day I lost my family.. We were to have a better life is what they said. My mother cried and cried as they took us away. I remember it very vividly. The doctor at hopkins hospital in baltimore said every time he had me draw what I could remember it amazed him.I should have no memory of our first house yet I drew everything as it was.I drew pictures of my siblings and of my father and mother I drew pictures of the rooms we lived in . .Our first home was with a baptist minister and his wife and children.We lost that home just shy of a year of moving in , because they had a calling to ministry out of the country so up we moved again of course not without emotional and physical scars to be taken with us.See being a ward of the State we were required the oldest ones to get psychological help because we were old enough to remember. The not so nice transfer . Still no visits with my younger siblings did not happen..Now if the babies remembered much I do not know. I was still 5 in my first foster home, when my natural father paid my brother and myself a visit.He said I have done something I cannot take back and want you to remember I love you I can never see you again .And he handed me and my brother an Easter basket and walked out of our lives for what we thought was going to be forever. This day I lost what I knew was a father .What we did not have pervy to until years later was that He was then wanted by the police and the FBI for crimes he committed. Off we went again to yet another home of a couple that had 1 son.I was not wanted only my brother, because we were a packaged deal so to speak I went with him . I lost another part of me that day and many more pieces there after for 5 years.We had a few visits with our siblings and they were short .Only about an hour was afforded us .When I had had enough abuse,in this new home I stripped off my clothes in the psychologist office and said get me out you have caused these scars .Everytime I tell you something you get me in trouble.So I lost my ability to take any more abuse I gave up..I lost my pride I lost my hope for any help.Not realizing this was the best thing I could have ever done for myself and this was the start of much healing that was to come.I do think after a few years and visitation was set up our other 2 siblings, they finally knew who their real mother and family were. Iwas put into a home where there was love just 3 weeks after my show in that doctors office. I lost trust in all medical doctors thinking they were not there to help me just shuffle paperwork and look like they cared..The other homes we were just a paycheck from the state. Hand me down clothes and only dresses were worn for school pictures and for family get togethers. The abusive scars mentally and physically I hid very well. For many years. After a few more visits set up by the state Mamma and her new husband,had another little girl when I was 10.She was a beautiful lil girl with the prettiest face ,chocolate brown hair and the biggest most beautiful eyes on a child I can ever remember seeing.I then knew I lost all hope to be reunited I was told they could not afford the house needed for all of us so they were making a life with this new child. I turned 11 I went to a new home where I was welcomed and not judged.You see my personality had already formed and I could not be molded into what others wanted me to be like in the other homes and I was a very rebellious child and could be difficult at times.. I accepted this new home a little apprehensive wondering again what was in store for me. I did not think I was pretty enough ,I did not think I was smart enough, I did not think I was anything enough and why would these people want a difficult child.Soon I realized it was not me that was difficult but the situations I was put into with the other families.All the secrets all the lies I had to hide in fear of being beaten. That all changed when something inside of me said do not keep letting this happen to you speak out whats the worst thing that can happen.Well I was told if I told the secrets I would die I was ready to die. I lost my will to live at 11.I soon learned at this new home there were to be no more secrets and no more lies.Just love compassion and understanding .So at 11 years of age I learned to play with dolls I learned to like myself even a little bit.I learned love had a different form too. I did not make friends easily. I was so used to being a loner for so many years only performing a show when asked too , when it came to dealing with people I had to learn a new way to trust . I was on my way to learning how to live . With a new life also came new challenges and hurdles to get over.Communication was still difficult for me.When I told my foster parents I needed to know who my mother really was they allowed more visits and even drove me to see her during her last few months of life here on earth. .I came around and accepted there was never going to be what others had with their natural families and I must accept the change like it or not I was never jealous of the other siblings , I was happy for them and hoped they had a wonderful life..They had nice homes and nice clothes they had it all.They had smiles on their faces when I saw them.Well all except for my brother I lost him the day I left the house of horrors,I could only hope that with my being gone things would be easier for him. He survived a few more years there .We were only to reunite years later after I married. Years past and I grew up became a teenager became a woman and lived life the best I knew how. I was afforded nice things I was given responsibilities with no strings attatched.Life was wonderful. Mom was diagnosed with cancer 6 years before her passing. I was 15 it was the summer Mom was put into montabello veterans hospital to pass peacefully. The doctors she had prepared her well for her final journey walk .When I was visiting I had the opportunity to talk freely and get to know who she was. I found she was the most loving understanding woman I could ever know. She had no anger towards those that wronged her .She was ready to be at peace. When I asked her if she was scared she said a little but she knew she was going to a place where there was not more suffering. I have a picture of all of my siblings together at her home in Maryland. Soon after that picture she was admitted to the hospital. I think it was the hardest on our youngest sibling because she had to witness yet more abuse and experience it from the hands of a father that supposedly loved her. She had to watch her mother deteriorate more and more as time passed with false hopes of a recovery. I felt so bad for her. I could not take what loss I was going through and even begin to compare it to her loss. The last day I visited mamma she said she was ready and did not want to fight any more. I held her hand in mine and kissed her knowing it was to be too soon for me to accept..She asked me to keep in touch with my sisters and brother no matter what happened .It was important to her for me the eldest girl to try to keep the visits going.I was at a loss for words I was numb.All I could say was I will try my best . I did not want to see her suffer anymore. Her gentle spirit went with the creator in the wee hours of the next day. I knew she had passed because she was in my dream that morning I was sitting next to her bed holding her in my arms .I remember thinking after Ileft her room for the last time, how terrible it was she was going to be all alone when she passed. In my dream I kissed her good bye one last time. I remember hearing the phone ring .My foster mother came into my room and just looked at me with tears in her eyes and said Tina your mother just passed.I said yes I know it was earlier this morning when she passed. Do you want to have some alone time today. We can cancel your trip with friends, I said no I just need a few moments and I will be ready to pack up to go on my trip. You see many think horribly of me for not going to her funeral. I preferred to remember her alive and full of a loving spirit. I wanted to remember her beautiful smile and what a beautiful person she had become even after so much suffering she had gone through. My mothers family that were still alive believed in open caskets ceremonies. I was not one for this due to being made to kiss a corpse years earlier I one of my other homes .I was told this is how one shows respect. I also still harbored a bit of hate for those family that never stepped up to plate and helped my mother and us children and did not want to see them .I knew I would not keep my comments to myself .This was something I had to deal with ANGER for a very long time.The funerals I have been to since were closed casket and services of loved ones. Except for when I went to my grandmother Lenas funeral a few years ago. It was hard to do but I went to the viewing and the burial site. I was able to find words to help comfort everyone that attended the service I was on my own way to healing ..I know all of my family and friends lost are still with me in my heart and I can remember all the good and bad times shared together.I still hold them close to my heart.I focus on what happiness we did share. We have all suffered loss in many ways I have learned there is always going to be loss. One has to view it differently without judgment on others as to how ,we deal opposed to how they deal with such losses . In the years passed I have witnessed 2 mothers, a foster father , a real father ,a mother in law,a very good friend lose her child then her husband just a few months later , a nephew, a very good friends son , a best friend of mine and a couple other family members pass.I have seen young mothers suffer the losses of their babies taken way to early in life .I have had to go to a few funerals of loved ones that were taken way to early in life. So I may say this death is not easy but to be there for the ones that have experienced the loss is also important. My family being years ago so disfunctional and not together gave me an easy way out an easy excuse many years ago not to deal with these losses..I lost a very important skill and emotion that was needed to deal with such things. To justify why I could not handle death was by walking away from it and putting it in the back of my mind only to deal with it later..I know I have grown spiritually and mentally and can now understand the bigger picture. I was being protected in my earlier teenage years,by those that did truly love me and they made no judgment on me at all. They accepted me for who I was and said some day I will learn to accept death. I lost my foster mother just 6 years after my natural mother died. Found out through the grapevine a few years ago that our natural father was cremated and a stranger to us never known signed his death certificate. To this day I can feel no emotion for this man. I never had the chance to know him only of him and his way he chose to live his life. Other than an attempted reunion many years ago that turned very sour afterwards .He had not changed and was the same person my mamma knew..I never heard from him after 1 phone call after that get together .It did not hurt my feelings at all. When I heard of his passing all I could think was his troubled soul was at rest. I felt no loss at all. I wished him a easy journey walk . And asked the creator to please forgive him and give me the strength to forgive him myself .I finally have accepted who he was and can forgive what I cannot understand about him.I also had to learn when in school how difficult it was to make a family tree.I was torn between loyalty to my new family to put their names in the spaces and between the family I once knew to put their names in the spaces.I lost the feeling of knowing where I truly belonged. All that would change years later. That being said we all suffer loss we all have different memories of those lost that we were close to.I will always carry the ones lost in my heart they are never forgotten. perhaps someday I can find a place a good place in my heart for those that deserted us as children and forgive them completely too.. .Our creator understands my struggle with this and is helping me deal with it more and more each day.I have let go of the hurt and moved on but the memories are still hard to put aside I deal with the what ifs when I need to .So now I focus on my family that my husband and myself have had the opportunity to share together. and what beautiful gifts they all are .I have lost a sister in the process of family growing and learning to accept differences. Talking is good but when the talking turns to betrayal it is time to end the cycle and move on. This is a different loss and sometimes can never be mended when another refuses to accept their differences and their faults as well.Perhaps she is suffering a loss I cannot understand I can only continue to love her the way I can. I have made amends with the people in my life that have made some things difficult. I have challenged them face to face and made my peace. We have an understanding and a duty to our families to keep peace.I have learned there are so many levels of love and so many levels of understanding .Maybe some day others too will learn we all make mistakes . For this day is like no other we must learn to accept change and learn to love with an open heart. Today is Veterans day. Everyone knows of a soldier or many soldiers that have sacrificed the ultimate so that we may have the freedoms we all take for granted. I say Bless all of you serving and that have served. Today I know my son and his family are back in the United States, He has moved to another Army base with his family. The many sacrifices all in the family makes is worth our freedoms.For this I am thankful for a loving family . I am thankful for the wives and children that also make their sacrifices as well. I am thankful I have not had to feel the loss of life of any of my children and theirs. Heather, Kevin, James and your families thankyou. We can never truly understand unless we have walked in your shoes. Thank you I love you very much . For the rest of my family and extended family I pray for you all every day that you may find comfort and love in your lives.Find time to tell the ones you love that you appreciate their being a part of your life.Even if sometimes it can be difficult times We all learn from our struggles and faults as we also learn from our strengths. To my family I love you all.Loss is something we all deal with So on this day please remember the lost and remember to truly live with the living .
Posted on: Tue, 11 Nov 2014 16:12:47 +0000
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