This is my last post of the day. It should speak for its self.... I spoke with Chrissy today ... I sat with a counselor from 4:00 to 5:00pm this past Thursday October 5, 2012. My counselor asked this question. If Chrissy was sitting next to me and holding my hand what would she say to me? I thought about that question for quite a few minutes. In fact I left my counselors office and rode to the Amtrak station still picturing my daughter sitting next to me and holding my had in hers. I got on the train headed from Bakersfield to Hanford. As the train left the station I continued thinking about Chrissy and how she thought, what she thought, the words she used and most importantly I felt her emotions, how she loved, laughed, cried, how she felt deep within her soul and even about demons that had chased her from time to time. I closed my eyes and pictured Chrissy sitting beside me holding my hand in hers with her head resting gently on my shoulder as she had done countless times before. After twenty or thirty minutes I could feel Chrissys hand holding mine. I could feel the warmth of Chrissys hand and remember how soft and smooth her hands always were. At this point I began to write not what I though but what I felt deep within my heart. The following was written in one draft in less that 45 minutes. Chrissy would be crying, not for herself but at the sight of seeing me so broken and inconsolable. I believe Chrissy would say Im sorry daddy. Im sorry for leaving you so soon and hurting you so much. We were lucky daddy, most daughters dont have the relationship with their fathers I had with you. I cant count how many times you hugged me or told me how proud of me you were and how much you loved that I was your daughter. I can remember that every time you kissed or hugged me, or ran your fingers through my hair or told me you loved me I could always tell you really meant it. It wasnt just something you would say, you really meant it, I always knew how important I was to you. You made me smile when I didnt want to, you made me laugh when I wanted to cry. Dad you always knew what to say. Thats why Id call or text you whenever I was down, having a bad day or depressed. You could always tell when I was depressed or just a little down or in one of my moods. You always cared, you always listened and you always made my day better. I can remember during one of my frantic calls to you I could hear the background noise you were obviously in a business meeting but hearing you say honey Im never to busy for one of my girls, whats up baby? That made my day and I loved knowing I was more important than your meeting. After our conversation I remember as we were hanging up the phone you saying I love you sweetheart have a great day, tell Lindsay I love her. Dad you thought youd hung up the phone but you didnt. I could hear you telling your coworkers sorry guys that was my baby girl, and she needed me more that you do. I remember later telling you how Id heard what you had said to your coworkers. I never forgot how happy and proud I was that you were my dad. My pain was your pain my sadness was your sadness and my happiness was your happiness. Dad we understood each other and most of all we always knew how important we were to one another. We knew how to fix each other when we were broken. We really were lucky dad I hope you knew that. Dad I promise you one day we will be together again just not for awhile. Dad you need to remember our love and our memories and when something reminds you of me dont cry, smile because it a memory of me that takes hold of you for that brief moment and were reunited. Take the time to help others to see the world the way that we do. Remember you once told me you wished you could have been a better father, grandfather, a better role model and friend? Heres your chance, make the most of it. Dad whether you realize it or not most of who I was came from you. Just ask my friends or ask Lindsay. We were very much alike you and I. Same sense of humor, same personality, quick whit, the list goes on and on. I of course had far better hair, was female, and younger, but I was you dad all the way and proud of it. Were Gilberts were kind of like the Kennedys, kind of. Tell Lindsay Im counting on her to be strong and have an awesome life tell her to get her shit together because were Gilberts, thats what we do...We crack but we dont break. Im going to miss Lindsay most of all. Tell Mikie I love him, hes a wonderful dad, a great big brother and drinking partner. Tell David hows that Philosophy thing working out:) tell him I love him and knew I could always count on him he never let me down. Oh and tell him its ok to cry sometimes being a philosophy major doesnt mean you dont have emotions. Mary and Margaret...oh I loved them both so much they were always there for me no matter what. They always loved me and always had my back. Mike and David are very lucky make sure they know that. Ive been waiting on this one. Luke, I wasnt mad at you I was mad at what you let people do to you. Youre smart enough to beat your addictions and have a still have a great life. Luke you know you were my only little brother so I sometimes had to lay it down to you like big sisters are supposed to. It was never in anger it was always done because I love you so much and want you to be happy and enjoy your life. You get one life make the most out of it, live it and enjoy it. Luke when you need me Ill be there with you whispering in your ear to be strong. And when you beat your demons Ill be there with the biggest smile of all. I always loved you. I loved having a little brother. Now the girls. Im going to miss taking you shopping for clothes, earrings, lipstick, red nail polish and prom dresses. Ill miss telling you about boys...ugh. Autumn youll have pictures, memories and my love will be with you always... June I wish I could have spent more time with you so youd memories of me but youll hear plenty of stories...and yes shockingly most of them are true :) Always remember even though you were so young I loved you so much. I will miss watching you and Autumn become more that sisters but becoming best friends. Like how Aunt Lindsay and I were born sisters and became best friends. Youll see plenty of pictures and hear lots of great stories about me. Always remember youre born sisters but you can become best friends. Youll learn a lot from Autumn so listen up. Dad tell Debbie she is amazing and full of love. I really miss our hugs. She was a great mom and a wonderful friend. I loved our late night talks. About mom....dad just let it be. You and Linz should get to know Kathryn shes not quite a Gilbert but close Lindsay can work on her... Tell my friends that I picked then well and Ill love and remember each one of them and the special memories we shared. I hope as they go through their lives and their memories fade with time theyll remember this girl named Chrissy that brought smiles and a bit of happiness into their lives. I hope theyll do the same for others. Make a stranger smile buy a friend a drink, play good music and live everyday to the fullest. I did and looking back I had quite a life. I traveled, made lots of friends and changed the lives that I touched hopeful for the better. Who am I kidding? Im a pretty big deal after all I even created holidays, sibling day, sister day, ride your bike in the rain day, shark week, etc. but mostly I created live your life everyday day! So do it! Remember when going to Disneyland you must ride Pirates of the Caribbean first. And yes its tradition and not open for a vote or a discussion. My life.. I wouldnt change much about my life if anything. I loved and was loved. I tried to make people smile whenever I could and dried their tears whenever couldnt. Ive always tried to be the type of friend that Id want to have. I think Ive done a pretty good at that. Back to you dad. I love you daddy, but youve always known that since you gave me the first kiss of my life and you gave me my last kiss. Yes daddy I saw how much it broke your heart to kiss me that last time but I wanted it to be you. Ill love you forever and will always be apart of you. I Love you daddy, Chrissy By the way If youre not mentioned here its not my fault. My dads getting old and couldnt keep up. Old people write slow its like a handicap.....and I do talk pretty fast..Chrissy Michael Gilbert
Posted on: Mon, 15 Sep 2014 22:46:17 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015