This is my last written post for awhile, because although I love words they can be misinterpreted and often are. So let me be real for a moment-Im struggling and I share that because I believe with all my heart people need to see that living the Christian walk has its unbearable moments. And let me make a solid confession to each of you now-I have deep horrors in my life I have not ever talked about. I have extreme emotions because I have been diagnosed with a small case of PTSD. Yes I have seen a counselor, no Im not bipolar and no she doesnt believe that medications are necessary. In fact, with me spilling everything, she said Im just still in the grieving process. Ive been been struggling overall for eight years but moreso in the past three, having mountain tops and then really low valleys, but thats the issue. Time doesnt make things right, and with me trying to hide my pain instead of being honest, Ive yet to fully deal. It may seem that in the past few years, many of you are weary with my ups and downs. I understand that this can be frustrating, but I ask you-what things were going on in your life at my age? I know for my parents, when they were twenty four they were starting a family, I am trying to cope with a broken one. At age sixteen, I chose a really broken lifestyle, when many were driving new cars and going to prom, I was on the brink of going to jail. The other things I just cant even put into words, but they are real, they are painful and this is a battle I just cant fight on my own. Which is why I believe I cried out through Facebook. Was it the best decision? Probably not. But when you are desperate for help to get off the ground and face some of the biggest demons of your life that is when you call upon the body of Christ. Its not always pretty and its not always neat. I wish I was better, like Elsa on Frozen for so many years, I have told myself to conceal and not feel. I had to add something Disney of course! But through counseling, two conversations with two amazing women, and a God who sees me, I know its time to let go. Im not in a good place, I cannot serve others healthily right now and I cant be the friend most of you need. But...I know what needs to be done and Im going to fight with every ounce of my being to finally deal with my past and walk into the future God has for me. I know it is not going to be pretty and I know there will be ups and down, what I ask of you, have patience with me, this is so hard and extremely humbling. I truly and wholeheartedly am done letting God only having the parts I believe are worthy. Its time to give him the ugly. Please pray for me during this time, understand that I am passionate, which can make me emotional, but there is nothing I wouldnt do for Jesus and for the people he loves so deeply in this world. And this means confessing, being vulnerable, and forgiving. Pride robs us of so much, Ive resented people out of insecurity and arrogance. Ive hurt people because I want them to pay for hurting me. But its time to put it completely at the altar, to realize I have a disorder that takes hold of me, especially ever year in the month of September, and it is time to deal with the roots of these issues. So I can finally see Jesus bearing fruit from my heart. If you have ever read Redeeming Love, my story right now feels like Angels, not in the sense of our sins, but the sense that we keep running back to the only thing we know because its comfortable and we feel in control. Angel has a rough road of breaking before she is fully redeemed, a road of not just falling into the same traps, but a road of idolatry and self-loathing. And now, I see it. People may have tried to show me, but God needed to bring me to this moment of isolation and loneliness, for me to truly see my sin. This is my new beginning on a very hard road of healing, but I trust that God will empower me to break free, and for the first time ever know what it truly means to be redeemed.
Posted on: Sat, 11 Oct 2014 13:32:31 +0000
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