This is my testimony about living with bipolar disorder.. please read, or watch the you tube video of me reading it at the mental health awareness event! #starttalking Im not even sure what I want to say. So much to say with such a small amount of words that just end up jumbled with thoughts that are all over the place. Bipolar disorder has affected my life in every way possible...I want to say how much I wish I were dead. How I hate myself and just want to give up, But I dont always feel that way. I do love my life and that might be what hurts the worst. I can feel my soul. Its heavy, passionate and full of love. I can be normal, manic, or depressed, and in the most extreme forms. Trying to keep up with these mood changes is exhausting. All that is steady is my soul. I ask God to please help me want, to want to change, because I dont know how. I loath feeling like I am not a good person. The one that lets people down, followed with the shame I would feel based on my decisions and actions. Please help me. Please take away the hurt, the feelings and judgement. I dont want to suffer in silence. If I could just feel understood, I could atleast feel some relief from myself. Beable to take some of the burden off my shoulders weighing me down. The guilt, anger, sadness, shame and disappointment. Please take some of the weight. I hurt. While Im lucky to not be hurting, Im accomplishing the world, full of ideas and drive. With that Comes the cost of making decisions that hurt me or others. Why cant I differentiate what is real or what is my sickness. Am I the one who decided to do that? Am I that selfish? Why cant I just get myself up off the couch? Is this something that can be controlled, or am I allowing myself to use my illness as an excuse to act this way? My amazing kids deserve a wonderful mother who can love them in the most wonderful way. When they wake me in the middle of a two day sleeping binge to say mommy please dont go to sleep anymore it makes me want to die. The pain is to real. It is too hard for me to grasp. It makes me physically ill. I know God tells me its ok, and he has saved me from what should statistically have happened. Im here to help others and do good through him. Why does it have to hurt so badly?? My whole life wondering who out there was like me? Was anyone like me? At that point I had never met anyone, or not anyone who talked about it atleast. Everything that has happened to me has p.happened for a reason. No doubt. I still manage to be thankful for my life, friends and family. I want to be done apologizing to The Lord and my family and friends for the things in my life I havent been able to figure out myself, why I did them. Wondering what is happening? Am I making excuses up in my head to discount the feelings I have and the things I have done?I just want to be me, loved no matter what. No judgement. Im just asking for help, so why is it so hard to find it, and for others to give it? Peeling off the false protective coating of normal, is the first time that I could begin to feel love for myself. It took 27 years, of constant guilt,for coming off as not thankful for my life by not loving myself. God made me. My soul feels him. He tells me he understands. Whether it be that im depressive, manic or normal. Feelings are so strong. So overwhelming. I can almost feel the world. God put me here to help others. Light needs shadow, there is always good with the bad. Living with bipolar illuminates the whole human experience giving me empathy, passion, courage, exuberance, perspective.. its unacceptable to let others feel alone. I need to help in anyway possible. The passion I feel for this cause will never beable to be written. There truly is no health without mental health. How can someone live without knowing why they dont get off the couch for weeks. Or when a million projects are going on at once and be able to control it all. The anxiety and worry about everything. My mind never stops. A thought appears, then break it down, then break it down more. There is always a reason for why people are the way they are. People only know what they know, and I only knew what I knew growing up with an illness like this. Never getting diagnosed until 28 years old. My bipolar diagnosis was unnerving. There have been times, I have looked in the mirror and cried. It terrified me that I did not recognize myself, and that the person I was looking at may not be the same person tomorrow. That I Myself have an illness..one thats not curable, or an explanation as to why it exists. Only manageable through medication and psychotherapy. A game of musical chairs that could last a lifetime. To find out now that tens of millions also suffer from mental disorders revived me. Despite the fact that Suicide is one of the number one killers and it brought me sadness, i atleast knew I wasnt alone. My heart aches at the amount of misunderstanding, that could be fixed if others gained the knowledge. If words like suicide, bipolar, ptsd, depression etc. were able to be used regularly without the fear of judgement. A change big enough so that person about to commit suicide isnt scared to call for help with concern the the cops will come, or that they will get mistreated and locked up. It will take time, but with awareness, proper doctors to diagnose, and understanding we can all better one another. its time to stop the stigma that comes with mental illness, if you cant understand it then educate yourself. Dont give up or cast those friends or family members to the side. Accepting my illness is a challenge. I hate taking medications. and have tried to heal myself without them many times. I hate having a label. I hate that I cant just control this. Never the less, this is just who I am. I will get there. Important actions can be taken in the meantime. Ill learn all I can about the illness and get support from others who have it. So here I am, perfectly imperfect me. With knowledge I have gained, giving me the resilience to take a stand about mental illness. My illness may never change but the quality of life can.
Posted on: Tue, 25 Nov 2014 00:57:54 +0000
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