This is probably going to be long... A woman I admire has decided that her phrase for this year is going to be So Dont. At first I couldnt figure out why she chose it. It seemed pretty selfish to me and not at all like her. But... Ive also been trying to clear out the clutter in my head, my heart and my house in order to move on with my Mactivisim (Mama Activism) and to just be happier and healthier. I should have listened. Something came up earlier today - Dork Dad committed us to doing something before double checking with me and I honestly just didnt feel like going. I had a day built up in my head, movie and then watching the NFC Title game at a Mexican place near our house with nachos and beer. My mom has the Little Monster so I wanted to do something that we couldnt do with him. Then there he was confirming and when I brought up the fact that I didnt want to go I did it in a wishy washy way. I forgot - SO DONT. The thing is that it tainted the rest of the day. There was thing hanging over my head, stopping me from having my fun day, but also stopping me from really talking to DD because the words I really wanted to say were clogging up my throat so nothing else could get out. Then we left just as the game was ending hoping to get there before overtime, but of course we walk in and Ive lost. And no one cares. So I have to stand there and regulate my emotions - which Im not the best at - with people im not all that close to and who couldnt give two shits that Id just missed the most important part of the most important game of the season. Luckily, they have a dog. That helped. There are so many things that we actually have to do every day. When we become parents that number rises exponentially. When you are dealing with any kind of mental illness there are even more things on top of that. These are not things that you can say no to. And then there are other things - things that are not essential, things that are not actually necessary, things that you CAN say no to. I need to do better. I need to do better at saying no to things and asserting a yes to other things. (I also need to make my peace with the fact that DD is not the type of guy to plan a fun thing to do just because we have a baby free day - at least not without prompting. But thats a whole other post.) It was wasted time. The time I spent today not doing what I wanted and the time I spent this evening doing what I didnt want. I cant get it back. The Little Monster will be home tomorrow and before that theres cleaning and cooking and prepping for the week. This day, this chance is gone. I can only hope that Ive learned from it and that next time I will remember - SO DONT.
Posted on: Mon, 19 Jan 2015 01:47:02 +0000
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