This is the 3rd night in a row that I have woken up at 4am (3:55 to be exact). I cant seem to get back to that place we lovingly call sleep. Anyone who knows me, knows that I can sleep while standing up in a crowded arena while a band is playing at full volume. Aside from generally having no trouble sleeping, I am not prone to anxiety...at all. So, that being said, I am awake and on edge. I keep having imaginary conversations with my son about how he must conduct himself when interacting with police and security guards and teachers and ..... I keep thinking that if my house is broken into and I call 911, I must let them know that I am black and describe myself so that I dont get arrested or shot in my own home. Most people of color have a litany of experiences with law enforcement that can at best be described as unpleasant and absurd, were when looked at up against the backdrop of protect and serve, fall into neither category. The interesting thing is that people have said How can you let a few bad cops make for fear all cops?, or Just because youve had a few bad experiences with cops, how can you say all cops are bad? Well, I must say in response, how can you let a few bad people of color make you fear all black people?. When asked, most white people that I know have never had a violent encounter with a person of color. Statistically, white people are significantly more likely to be raped, beaten, abused, or assaulted by another white person and yet Im the one they are afraid of. They overwhelming sentiment that I keep encountering is one that divides people of color into two categories, good and bad. If good black people get up and challenge the bad black people, cops will stop shooting us, people will stop being afraid and life will be great. Ok, remember a few weeks ago when that video was circulating with the woman walking around for 10 hours and how she was harassed? Id love to see a video of a black man walking around in a suit for 10 hours. Youll see people get out of elevators, hear car doors locking as he walks by (in broad daylight on a crowded street), watch people pull their kids in closely even thought they are 10 feet away. Youll watch people cut in front of him in line and say things like, Hey Bro, I just have this one thing to buy, you dont mind, right? Lets pause for a second. Heres whats interesting about that. On one hand, we are this scary entity that must be feared, but on the other hand, when convenient, we revert to this childlike thing that can be stepped in front of, passed over and spoken to with utter disrespect. What an odd dichotomy. As black people, we have no right to childhood, as soon as we enter puberty, we are men and women. As much as chattel slavery is over, this is a remnant of it. By puberty, black men and women were working in fields and being bred like livestock. Now, we have a situation where teenage boys are being shot and people are saying that they are grown men and deserve it. The mindset is still alive. Again, this is comical to me, because I clearly remember young white teenagers trying to put my mother in her place while she shopped in a store, taught them in school, stood in line, etc. as if they were her superior. I dont really know where Im going with this, just stream of consciousness (thank you spellcheck) and if youve made it this far, come to my next gig, Ill buy you a drink. I guess I just want to start another dialogue, not about the shootings, but about the effect that the shootings have had on you, not the anger part, but the other feelings that come up. One friend likened it to PTSD. I dont know if I completely agree, but it does beg the question. I also want to hear thoughts on the No Childhood/Permanent Adolescent dichotomy that exists for people of color. In speaking with my feminist friends, they feel that women of all color deal with this as well. Please share your thoughts. Alright, Im going to go stare at the inside of my eyelids. Goodnight/morning.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Dec 2014 11:07:06 +0000
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