This may be the *most* difficult post Ive ever written. But, its time. Theres something I need to get wide-open about. Those who know me, know that Im about radical honesty ... truth at all cost. And yet ... there has been an issue that Ive kept in the dark, even from myself. Facing it, owning it, bringing it to the light, admitting it to myself, and sharing it with others, has been both inordinately painful, and yet crucially liberating. I have felt so ashamed, like an impostor ... a hypocrite. And so very afraid to get open. Part of my life-story is that I had bulimia -- I was severely/rabidly bulimic, from the age of 18 - 39, went to 6 different 30-day in-patient hospitalizations, had seen over 25 various therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists, had tried every anti-depressant known to man, had experienced deliverance prayers and even exorcism ... and THEN had experienced a radical (& seemingly total) healing, back in 2000, via Theophostic. Yeah, a bonafide miracle. For 11 years, I had NO thoughts, much less temptations, to binge and purge, despite 3 miscarriages, being excommunicated from an international denomination, being officially shunned, going through a life-transformation, leaving a religion, and a marriage, and suffering many many (hundreds of) relational rejections. I sailed through. I was the woman who had been miraculously and magically healed of bulimia ... it was my badge of honor, on my Cosmic Girlscout Badge-Sash ... I was told I should go on Oprah, and I was being studied by a group of psychologists out of Chicago (because no one is *supposed* to be healed of bulimia) ... I was trained in Theophostic, and had helped many others achieve many healings, I was written up in healing journals, and I had given talks, in many places, about my healing-story ... I was THAT woman. I lost so much, but I had THAT. I was completely invested in that image, that identity. And yet ... 3.5 years ago, I had a painful relationship-experience that floored and derailed me ... followed by nearly 2 years of immense pain. For reasons I dont entirely understand, and cannot even articulate, I found myself relapsing into bulimia ... on auto-pilot. I was devastated. Totally terrified that it could possibly happen to me. I denied it, to myself ... repressed and suppressed it. I told NO one, including the man I was then involved with. And every time the threat of rejection arose, I would succumb again. I know enough to realize that those old rejection-fear-triggers were crippling me .. that I was using the bulimia as a false sense of control when feeling OUT of control ... that I was self-medicating ancient wounds, being triggered in the present-moment. I knew that the addiction was merely a means of coping ... and that shaming myself for it would only fuel it further ... and so, I would overcome it, for long stretches of time ... only to have it strike again, when I was most vulnerable ... when I felt most-alone, most-rejected, most-abandoned ... it lay coiled within me, like a black snake, waiting to sink its fangs into me. I cannot describe the agony, of holding Truth at All Cost as my core-life-purpose, and YET, being overcome by this deadly secret ... terrified that I would be completely rejected if only anyone knew that I had this secret shame. I felt as if I could tell no one ... for this was who I was. And if I lost that, what did I have left? Last Fall, following another relational crisis, I plunged again ... this time, it kept me in its grip for a few weeks ... I wanted to die. It fed on that death-desire ... it told me that I was unworthy of love, of life, of anything good. It became a horrendous vicious-cycle of self-destruction. I set a personal deadline of Thanksgiving, 2013, to save my own life. Shortly after that, I met Robin ... and it became clear to me that New Life had begun. It felt like a confirmation, an affirmation, of me choosing life-over-death. We revealed so many secrets to each other ... the depth of honesty we claimed and lived was all I had ever wanted. I tried to suppress this one thing ... hoping it would just go away and remain History. And yet, the nature of a secret is that it feeds on the shame ... and I KNEW that I had to get open with him ... I sought the assistance of a life coach/Theophostic-facilitator ( Sunny McCracken) who helped me to prepare to get open ... but life stopped me, in the form of a flurry of moving-activity. Frankly, I got scared again, and I ignored it. Rationalizing that maybe I wasnt supposed to give this any further energy. Then, just one day ago, following an intense Salem Playback Theater retreat, and with the insights of Jen Kahn, I saw, with striking clarity, that I HAD to get real, and NOW was the time. NO matter what. It looked impossible, schedule-wise, to share this with Robin (& trust me, due to my history of having been rejected, I was *scared*), Life made a way ... and last night, en route to Playback rehearsal, I bared my soul. To his credit, and in keeping with his nature, he heard me, received what I had to say, and assured me of my worth, my value, and that he loved me. I also opened up to the Playback troupe ... they likewise heard me, played-back my story (what we do), and affirmed that they love me, and were proud of me for being honest and open. My son, Zachary Israel Brehm, a member of the troupe, said some amazingly affirming/healing words to me. I am a beyond-blessed woman. I broke down ... sobbing with relief and release. Today, I told the rest of my family of origin, my ex-husband, and my other children. So far, every response has been supportive and affirming ... even if saddened. They know, first-hand, what I went through, both at the mercy of bulimia, and in the joy of the recovery. They get the blow of this devastation ... and yet, gave me words of hope. Color me grateful. I have felt soooooo incredibly vulnerable and raw and exposed today ... fearing that these people, to whom I bared my soul, would pull back, or turn against me (rejection is a huge theme in my life). But they have continued to love me ... I just found out today that yesterday, the day I got Real and Open and Honest, was when Mars went direct ... apparently, it last did this in 2010, the year that I left the marriage, the year that I relapsed into bulimia. The year it ALL changed. Yesterday, it seems, was turning point day - setting the stage for the next several years ... and without knowing that at the time, I did indeed turn my point. I just knew it felt important to do so. To NOT put it off. I dont know what all this was about ... it does seem that I had to shed my former identities, all of them (wife, mother, artist, christian, etc.), including this aspect. It feels as though Ive been stripped raw, bare, and am wide-open to what comes next. I feel like the Phoenix ... rising from the ashes of my former life. I can only say thank you for the most benevolent outcome ... and yes to what unfolds next in life. And I am beyond-grateful for the people in my life who see me and manage to still love me ... in all my messy-humanity. And, if you read this far, thank you.
Posted on: Thu, 22 May 2014 01:33:41 +0000
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