This message might disturb some of you. Dont worry it isnt a goodbye note. You know we all have trials in life some bigger than others. Through most of my pretumor operation and post tumor operation I have gone through more things that I thought I could ever go through but having faith through all the terrible almost unbearable physical and mental pain that one could possibly go through I kept holding on through prayers a lot of them and the promise God made in the scriptures that he would not give us more than we can handle. I kept on going thinking it would soon go away unfortunately I keep suffer from chronic headaches and post traumatic stress and mental problems depression and anxiety. A large amount of weight gain and my body is so weak I cant even go up a flight of stairs without feeling sick and out of breath. As I lay here tonight I sit and sob while my husband lays by me and sleeps like a rock and snores kind of loudly. Ive tried to wake him up to tell him Im in a lot of pain and a little distraught as mumbles something and returns to sleep. What I want to tell him is Im tired of living like this anymore. Im tired of the chronic pain and emotional trauma it is too much to bear and I dont want to go through it another day. I dont want to feel like there are holes in me I want to be whole again. And that might not even happen. There are so many factors Im tired of everything going in slow motion! I have totally lost my patience now. I understand there are other people going through terrible ordeals. But this is my terrible trial and Im failing bc now I just want to give up. Now Im tired of feeling like a handicap person. Now I want to do things to myself to get rid of the emotional pain and have control over something. Im so worn out and tired of this I was sick through most of my twenties and really laid in bed most of those years it was almost like I was in my own little coma for almost a decade. Honestly tonight and most days lately I fight the urge to cut myself. Tonight I wish I that tumor would have just killed me the life I have right now is still a lot of physical pain and I just dont want and cant go through this anymore. Please I dont want anyone to respond to this. I just had no one to talk to about how I felt so I am writing it I FB maybe there are other people out there that feel similar well this is to show you your not alone. People may think I need help or consulting after they read this. They might not even understand. That is ok this was more for me than someone else. My life is so shattered I dont think Ill ever have a handle on life again. Asking that question to myself makes me want to step out now.
Posted on: Wed, 06 Aug 2014 06:26:20 +0000
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