This morning you all get a piece of me (hah! You want a piece of me?, when Mike was little he would wrestle with grandpa and say that)... Including the 3 hours sleep this morning I was able to steel while Mike was peaceful, I still think these last days havent added up to much at all. I got cranky, snippy even as the evening wore on yesterday and into the night. Moments of feeling bad for that crossed my mind but mostly I was just getting to the end of my fuse. I was thinking this morning the endlessness as a mom. Mike is going to get better... a long bumpy road and then more healing and regaining until hes a strong young man again ... Then it hit me, hes a grown up! Im going to want him in my sights and hes gonna get better and venture back into the world and his own life and home. How hard is that gonna be? Its not a time I should think about mom feelings but, damn, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I dont think our kids have any idea what we as moms endure with our tragedies like this that many moms before me and after me will go through. I can already hear him telling me hes Ok and I need to not worry, blah blah blah... I can already feel the tears well up as I try to explain how badly I need to see and touch him, all of my kids. I can already feel the infliction when I tell Roy later what a little shit he is for being able to get that charming look on his face and tell me he will be careful on his motor cycle, or (& we know its gonna happen) a bull weighing a ton. Hes not going to have the memories of these early days of worry and anxiety. And hes gonna smile and say he loves me and walk back out in the world with a sparkle in his eye. God will surely need to hold me up a few more times than necessary. So the Moral of my story? None really except sanity is impossible sometimes. My Uncle, a big solid rock, flew in last night. As much as I melted in his arms. Roy needs his friend and confidant and Im grateful hes here. This morning Im gonna leave the hospital for the first time this while Mike is out for a broncoscopy and get a shower. I wont burden you with that mom train of thought and worry. You all might not believe it. But my mind can be a terrible place. Im not good at being still and neither is my traitorous brain. I have never known a tougher young man than my own. Please keep praying for healing for Mike and Ryan and push a little extra towards us, the family (&friends), and maybe a little sanity for Cassandra Palmer and myself. I think we are going to need it.
Posted on: Sun, 08 Jun 2014 16:22:18 +0000
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