This post is intended for those who are intent on dredging up a very painful, both mental and physical part of my past. I was 19 years old, I had just been been assigned to my first combat unit. I was in the starting minutes of my first firefight. My platoon Commander sent a medevac chopper to pull me out and send me to the rear. In An Hoa I was sent to Da Nang, and from there to Hickham AFB where I was informed my wife had died. The time frame was beyond belief, she passed on 20 October 1968, and the news was kept from me until 22 October 1968, with the date change. They had kept me from phones etc for 2 days until I arrived at a ARC facility in Hawaii. I then flew direct from Honolulu to SLC by myself wondering what had happened. I was met at SLC by my mom and Jackies Mom who really brought me up to speed. For the next two/three days I was caught up in a whirlwind of getting things done, all the things that people do when youre in your 70s or 80s not 19. I was totally, and completely alone, my whole world had just been yanked out from under me. The only thing I had to fall back on was my training (USMC). Stow the emotions, put them away, so you can deal with the pain later, the problem is, later never comes!!! That is where PTSD comes in. I carried so much guilt for not being there for her when she died, I had one focus, to end my own life, by what ever means possible. When I got back back into country, after a few SNAFUs, I volunteered for every assignment that came up, hoping to get myself killed, knowing that, my mother would get the 10k death benefit and pay off the remaining bills from Jackies burial. But try as I might I couldnt get the job done, I took good care of my people and we were the best ITT unit in country. My Bio Dad died in 1969 shortly after I made Sgt E-5, and again, although I had worked hand in hand with Charon and the River Styx I felt no emotion. Death became a hour by hour occurance for me. Sometimes I had the blood and gore of the guy next to me splattered all over me, yet no emotions. When I came home I drank hard, I was no different than thousands of other vets. We had our problems many were married 5 or 6 times, I married Sandra Park Lawrence, in 1969, and I think that is the crux of the animosity that some people bear me. I still miss Jackie, I never had the opportunity to mourn her passing, tomorrow, 25 October, 2013 , marks the 45 anniversary, of the last time I saw her mortal remains. But I have had her sealed to me for time and eternity, to allow her all the rights and privileges of a beautiful and righteous daughter of a loving god. In closing, if youre doing your posts as a jab at me, please know that I know better than you each day, each anniversary, and every special day in our lives together. But I am dealing with it now. Might I suggest you do as I, run by Walmart, and pick up a bunch of posies and take them up to her grave. Dont jab me its not working anymore
Posted on: Thu, 24 Oct 2013 15:21:02 +0000
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