This post will be filled with 2014 Godzilla spoilers. Dont read it if you dont want the film spoiled ... Here are all the most terrible things about the new Godzilla movie: ... ... ... ... ... 1. After devoting the entire beginning of the film with a terrific emotional hook, and at least 5 genuine touching moments thanks to AMAZING performance by Bryan Cranston, the film kills off Bryan Cranston before we even meet Godzilla and our stomachs disintegrate on themselves we realize were about to spend two hours with... 2. ..actor Aaron-Taylor Johnson, the most wooden, dead-eyed, mouth-breathing, blank, expressionless actors in recent memory. Who, upon moments of returning from active duty, and mere seconds from hooking up with his wife, gets a phone call that Bryan Cranston (pre-death) is in jail in Japan. He IMMEDIATELY jumps off his wife, and starts angrily packing a bag, and THAT SECOND hops a flight to JAPAN to bail out his estranged father. To Japan. That very second. 3. iOmega Zip Disks survive nuclear catastrophe. Dumb, but Ill eat it. 4. Ken Watanabe does a terrific role as Ken Not-Want-To-Be-Here, sleepwalking his way through 2 hours of shots of people looking up at things. When he delivered the titular line, We call him...GODZILLA, everyone laughed. 4A. After being treated to a good 20 minutes of Grade A Bryan Cranston speeches, and remembering how damn good it is to see him again after Breaking Bad, and really just soaking it all in ... the remainder of the film is just soldiers talking. The entire movie. Soldiers saying very soldier things. Lets Move Out and Charlie team will flank around the Godzilla zone or whatever. Its the laziest, laziest shit. 5. 2 hours of big groups of people looking up at things. Usually clutching children. 6. A dog outrunning the ocean and narrowly escaping death. See: Independence Day. 6A. Though Aaron-Taylor Johnson, I think, is vaguely an Army guy...he can suddenly take part in the highly specialized field of paratrooping missions. Into an Urban Landscape, hitting nothing or even dying on the way down. Hes that good. 7. The mother, upon seeing these giant monsters, deciding its best to send her only child with a friend on a Short Bus, so that she can stay behind and wait for her husband. I dont know a mother in the world who do this. 8. THE ENTIRE SUB PLOT wherein Aaron Tayor Johnson suddenly becomes sole-guardian of a little Japanese boy separated from his parents. And moments after finding safety in a refugee camp, well wouldnt you know it, there are his parents. He runs up to them, and they all walk off happily without so much as a hey, thanks! 9. Not one, but two shots of a close-up of a bus driver slamming his foot on the gas and outrunning Godzilla. In a Short Bus. 10. MERE DAYS after the world learns that giant monsters exist, and after witnessing a televised destruction of major cities and untold loss of human life, the fake news network in this movie shows video of Godzilla with the tagline King of All Monsters? Godzilla saves our city? or something similar that makes you want to bash your own brains in. But they definitely use the phrase King of the Monsters. Listen asshats, you just learned there was such a thing as Giant Monsters, and youve only met three of them in the span of 48 hours. Typical journalism today. 11. People who say what did you expect, its a big dumb monster movie. That it was. And the big digital monsters looked fine. But dont promise me a Christopher Nolan-worthy story grounded in human connection and plot in every piece of marketing and then pull the rug. Nothing about this movie was fun. It was just dark, and grey, and smokey and lifeless. I didnt care who lived and who died aside from Cranston, and after that moment you could feel the entire theater deflate. Pacific Rim was dumb fun. Monsters (previously by this director) was a great film, I thought, and had all the things Godzilla does not. 12. No Matthew Broderick.
Posted on: Thu, 22 May 2014 19:29:30 +0000
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