This time last year I was waking up from emergency surgery for a perforated bowel. Unfortunately the degree of the perforation required that I have a temporary illiostomy. The incision was left open and would need to be cleaned and packed and required a vacuum seal. Ill never forget the first moments when I looked down at my abdomen. I cried for myself and my body. There my stomache was gaping open and to the right of the incision an illiostomy bag. The pain was overpowering and the first time pt stood me up my entire body from my head to my toes wretched with pain. I could of insisted right then and there that I wouldnt do it, that it was too painful, but I knew I needed to and so with one foot in front of the other I pushed through the pain. courage ,I discovered was far more powerful than pain and would become a necessity for survival. The dressing changes were painful. And adjusting to having an illiostomy was a shock. My surgeon said I would have it until March at the earliest. Showers were difficult and we had to wrap my abdominal wall with seran wrap to protect the open wound. I had to use a walker to support myself as I walked. At one point we discovered there was an abscess, a pocket of infection that had accumulated and I needed surgery once again, to remove it. My body had begun to heal and I had been standing and walking, having surgery to remove the abscess meant that surgery would require they go back in through my original incision. I remember the first time my therapists and nurses stood me up after surgery. I moved to the side of the bed and immediately my gut wretched with pain. Piercing pain. My therapist who I had grown to love, along with my nurses, told me that if I wasnt ready that I could just lay back down and that they understood. No, I said. I want to stand. I need to stand, I need to do this. I knew if I didnt do it then I wouldnt do it the next time. And so with their loving hands, and caring arms wrapped around me, I stood. My whole body hurt. It felt as though my whole abdominal wall was falling out. My body sweated just from the pain and the strength it took to stand. I screamed and cried in agony and they layer me back down. And in that moment I knew just how vulnerable and week the human body can be. They sat and held my hand and listened as I cried and yelled about how it wasnt fair and how I just wanted my body back, how I didnt want this pain anymore. But I knew that if I gave up because of the pain, if I stopped, if my mind shutdown, that my body would follow. So, I rose, every chance I got I rose. I stood, I walked, even if it were with a walker, I rose. My children were being looked after by family and close friends. Knowing that my children were safe and cared for made it easier to focus on getting better. I often looked looked out the window in my hospital room and thought of all the things I was missing. I had been through many things in my life, always ready for a challenge, but this, this seemed unfair. I never lost faith, if fact faith carried me, even in my darkest moments, faith brought me through. I was determined that this moment would not define me. I would not give up. I was one of the fortunate people of the world who had an amazing care team. Without my sisters who stayed with me and kristy who served as my continuous advocate I dont know what would have done. My friend Joe was there, always. His visits, phone calls, texts and just being with me reminded me that love is what happens when you strip yourself down to the core. It is what happens when you truly see one another. A true friendship we began to share. I am forever grateful for his friendship that got me through so many days that were filled with pain and resentment toward my own body and the way it looked, and the many rough days the lay ahead And to God I thanked every day for the presence of all those that loved me in my life. . Surrounded by love and support I made it. My illiostomy sight began to leak. My care team and I were confident that I could manage at home and so I finally through all the pain and shock was going to be home. I had made it , the worst of the storm it seemed had passed. . I was uninsured and my team of nurses managed to get me donations and supplies for my illiostomy. They got me a walker and shower bench and managed to somehow get me a vacutainer for my dressing changes, that kristy would be doing. Ill never forget that day. The feeling that you only get when you have done something great. I had made it. Despite having an illiostomy bag , I knew that I could make it. That it was temporary and that my wounds would heal. Time. That is all I needed. Before I could be discharged I would have to have my central line removed. I was a bit nervous as I knew the risks associated, including pulmonary embolism. I remember joe sitting with me holding my hand, as he was always. My nurse whom I loved would be removing it. I took a deep breath and bared down as I was asked to do. It was out. In a way I felt free. The last tube to come out. I stayed an hour to make sure no complications happened from the removal of the central line. Kristy was to take me home and joe would meet us there and would bring dinner. Nathan was waiting at home for me. I remember the brief moment outside of the hospital as we were loading my things to go home. The September air felt so invigorating, as if I had breathed life into my body. Our family had suffered great losses in the month of September. My grandfather and my nephew and brother in law had all passed away in the month of September . I remember thinking that I somehow had made it, a shimmer of hope in this dreadful month. I had made it and I was going home. Home, not fancy, not perfect but home where my children were, where my dog was. Home where love was. Home where life was. September 27th I was going home. I was weak, I was battered, I was different, but I was going home. I arrived home and was greeted by Nathan and our dog buddy. They were excited and so was I. I felt weak getting out of the car and getting in the house. Home. I was home. I sat on my couch. I was home 5minutes and suddenly I felt as if I couldnt breathe. I ran outside because I felt as if I needed some air. Kristy and Nathan followed. I just remember saying I cant catch my breath. I thought is this a panic attack? I remember the look on kristys face as she said aloud PE we need to go. Joe was pulling up. I kept telling myself panic attack, but I knew from the looks on their faces that it was serious. They put me in joes car immediately and off he sped. Kristy and Nathan followed. I remember rolling the windows down and feeling hot. We had all the windows down and ac on, but I was hot and couldnt breath. I kept saying to joe this is probably a panic attack, in my mind I knew they were right, but my heart was in denial. I was afraid in my core, in my soul that I wouldnt make it, that on that day, September 27th I would die. I looked at the speedometer at one point and saw that joe was going 90. He called the ER to let them know that he was bringing me in with possible PE . When I arrived my sister Amanda was waiting to get me into the ER as joe parked the car. I felt short winded still as if I just couldnt catch my breath. I was taken to an ER room. Not a special room. No fancy equipment . No call button. I remember thinking that it must not be serious, that I was ok if I was in a room without critical care monitors. At one point I felt as if I was slowly breathing normal again. Kristy and Karen were there and were telling the dr that i had just had a central line removed and they insisted I was having a PE and needed the medication to treat it right away. I told the doc that maybe it had been a panic attack. He asked if I had ever had one. I thought of my life and all I had been through, both personally and professionally and not once had I ever had a panic attack. I was put on o2. I asked for them to send my son Nathan in. I remember us two sitting there just talking. I knew the look on his face was one of worry. I assured him I was going to be fine. I had an uneasy feeling, deep in my soul I began to feel as if something was wrong. I told Nathan that I loved him, and that I loved all of my children and that I was forever indebted to God for entrusting them with me. I told him that no matter what he had to always do good in life. Go to school, go to college and be a good person. I asked him to send kristy in. The moment he left the room I felt pain in my chest and it began to feel as if my lungs couldnt work. Like a balloon that you try to inflate but cant. No matter how hard I breathed I still couldnt breath. They sent in a respiratory therapist to give me treatments. All to no avail. I couldnt breath. Karen began looking in the room for an intubation kit. Kristy kept saying over and over that I needed to be intubated, I was in respiratory distress. I remember her calling joe on his phone and telling him to get in there now. Voices became so muffled that I couldnt make out anything. In saw golden flecks floating about in the air in slow motion, as if time had stopped. In that moment I remember thinking this is it. Today I am going to die. Over and over in my head I thought, I dont want to die. I felt a sudden flow of peace within me. A voice that said be still. I didnt want to leave this life. I wanted to stay and watch my children grow, to watch as their dreams are persued. So much still left to do. But this was it. This moment would be my last. I was at peace. I had lived a great life and I had done many wonderful things. I had been a good mother, daughter, sister and friend. I had made my peace with God. In that moment when you face death, in that brief moment, its as if time stood still. I processed my whole life in that one brief moment. I was at peace. I, in that moment was ready. I didnt fear death. I was saddened for my children who would face the world without me, sad for my family who would mourn for me, but I wasnt afraid, I was at peace. As my lips and face turned purple and blue I used the last breathe in my body to mutter 2 words, intubate now. The gave me medication to sedate me. My body went numb from my feet up. I layed there just before I closed my eyes and I thought.. Thank you God for all of my life and all of my many blessings, please protect and watch over my children. Show them love and mercy. I was intubated, bagged and rushed to ct. I often cringe at the thought of my son Nathan having to watch as his mother was bagged and surrounded by medical chaos. I was put in the ICU where the vent breathed air into my lungs. And there I layed, in limbo. I was kept in a medically induced coma. When I was stable my sisters went home to rest. It was in the wee hours of the morning that my mother would receive the news that my lil brother was dead. I had been placed on the vent and my brother had lost his life, both within the same time. As the state police knocked at my mothers door and removed his hat to offer his condolences , my sisters were heading to be at her side. And then my sisters phone rang. My condition had deteriated, the prognosis was not good and they asked her to come right away. As my family grieved for my brother, they were also grieving for me. Close family friends went to go get my oldest daughter Alex from college. I was given less than 1%chance of survival. While my family grieved, prayed and took turns along with family and friends by staying with me, there I lay, in limbo, unaware of the tragedy, the pain of losing my brother. Although my body was weak my mind was alive. Alive with vivid dreams. I remember laughing and smiling with loved ones who had passed on. I remember at one point walking and there at the end of the hall was my best friend Chip who wrapped his arms around me and gave me the biggest hug as if it would be our last for awhile. He smelled of cotton and honeydew. He walked me down the hall where I saw standing my brother in law Shawn and there on his shoulders my nephew zeth. I was thrilled to see them, and they too hugged me as if it would be their last for awhile. They smelled of freshly mowed grass and morning dew. It made my nose tickle and I sneezed , zeth said.. Bwess you . They along with Chip continued with me on my walk down the hall and zeth walked with me, his hand in mine. As we turned the corner there stood my grandfathers and my great grandmother. I sobbed with joy. I was surrounded by all that I had loved and missed for so long. They smelled of my grandmothers laundry, so fresh and clean, as I hugged them. And there we all stood. My grandmother says you have done good Cindy. We share a smile. I feel myself feeling sleepy I closed my eyes and when I opened them I was sitting in a golden lit hallway. In front of me a sign with to arrows. One pointing left the other pointing right. Both seemed beautiful . At the end of both hallways a golden glittery light glowed, a million times brighter than diamonds. There standing next to me, smiling is my baby brother Kenny . I hug him, he smelled of a campfire, it too seemed as if it would the last time for a while that I would feel his presence as if it is an embrace that will last a lifetime. I turn to go right and I ask, arent you coming with me..... He grins and says no not this time, you go ahead, youve got things to down that way, Ill be ok and off he walked down the left, golden lit hallway and I down the hallway to the right. I remember waking up in the hospital. My body ached with pain. The vent still down my throat. I had lived. I remember the faces of all that I knew and loved sitting at my bedside. I had lived, yet they all looked so sad. Sometimes, even without spoken words you know something is wrong. I wondered why my brother hadnt been in. I thought maybe he was stuck and couldnt find a ride. I was taken off the vent. They told me of all that I had been through and how I almost didnt make it. At that moment all the dreams made since, but why was Kenny there. My sisters kristy and Amanda came to visit me later that day, where I received the devastating news of my lil brothers death. The pain in my heart was tremendous. I thought how unfair it was that at 19 he was gone. Why I questioned had I lived and he died. I was prepared to die that night. I thought that moment my life ended. I never expected to wake up and continue living. I dont think I will ever be able to get over the fact that he died that night and that I lived. People are irreplaceable not only in your mind but in your heart. As in in my hospital room alone with only my thoughts I wondered if in Kennys final moment if he too had taken his own walk, on his own path. Had time stood still in the brief moment before his death as it had for me? I thought to myself how I was ready to die that night and how my brother got in that car that night and never thought he would die that night. Our fates it seemed forever connected, forever tied together. My family had to plan his service without me. Though I had survived I wasnt without complications. As if the pain in my heart wasnt enough, The illiostomy had began to leak and the bile began eating at my skin. I was determined to to attend my brothers service. It took 2 nurses, my occupational therapist and close family friends, Karla and Stephanie , and lots of pain medication to get me ready. My dr had arranged for me to be away from the hospital for the service. We took a wheelchair . Pulling up to the driveway to the funeral home instantly made me so very very sad. A final goodbye. I somehow wanted to believe that this all had just been A very bad dream, unfortunately it was real. I remember Stephanie wanting me to use the wheelchair. No, I was going to walk with strength to say my final goodbye to my brother. The events and loss of my brother I carry with me everyday. Everyday I miss him. I dont think I will ever stop asking the question, why?. Final goodbyes are hard. Im comforted by the echo of his laugh that I still hear in my mind, by his loyalty as a brother and friend, and by the love that he has forever left in my heart. I am thankful for the hug that we had, even if some say it was a dream, I insist it was my personal tiny piece of heaven that I will carry with me always. Someday, I know that hug will last forever. Though some may think Im crazy, I believe in angels on earth. Guiding, loving and helping in our moments when we need miracles the most, they are there. I know all of mine and they all hugged me that day. And so, on this day, the 27th of September not only do I mourn the loss of my brother, I also celebrate my personal heaven and the angels that breathed new life into me. The doctors told my family that they had no medical explanation for my survival, that I was in fact a miracle, a true miracle. I am forever grateful for the nurses and doctors who loved me and cared for me and my family, angels exist on earth. And for their presence I am thankful. My recovery was long and painful. The bile continued to eat my skin. I was told it was comparable to a second degree burn. It was horrific pain, as if my skin was on fire and was burning me from the inside out. I required dressing changes and pain medication and was constantly being taken back to the OR for ostomy revisions. The longest I ever went without it leaking and causing the relentless pain was 2 weeks. I had multiple hospitalizations and at one point I wanted to just give up. But, my kids were watching and I had never believed in quitting and I had never raised them to quit. We made the best out of the time in be tween hospitalizations. I even cooked us a spectacular thanksgiving meal. My surgeon agreed that I had had enough and so on December 2013 I was once again admitted to the hospital, only this time it would be to reverse the illiostomy. It was successful. Finally I could focus on recover. I could be free of something that had caused me so much physical pain. Though my heart was still sad and grieving I was happy to be alive. My body was mine again, I could begin to finally heal. I am forever thankful for the love and support of all those you were with me during my long journey. They cared for my children, they prayed with me and for me. They sat with me and stayed countless hours so that I wouldnt be alone. Maybe you held my hand, or hugged me as I cried, maybe you sent flowers to brighten my days or snuck me in chocolate bars or cooked me homemade soup. thank you. The nurses, therapists and doctors who cared for me as if I were part of their own families. Thank you all for being there for me when I needed you most. None of you are forgotten. Everyday I thank God for all that you all have done. Out of September I rose. Beaten, battered, shattered but I rose. Out of September I went. I was alive. Out of September I came, ready, willing and able. Out of September I came, renewed.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 00:49:59 +0000