This time we set out to categorize the most common types of Highly Fussy Attendants that we encounter in a Govt. Hospitals Emergency.. :p Along with a description of their basic instincts, we also intend to reveal some little known strategies of dealing with them.. 1. The Journalist This guy has nothing to do with journalism per se... More often than not, he is remotely related to the patient and doesnt hold him as a primary concern.. His primary concern is to pass time.. And that is why he assumes the role of a journalist since there is nothing better to do at a hospital.. He would therefore, cruise around with his invisible mic and camera and attack in the subtlest of manners when he spots a susceptible target.. (The doctor who is least busy) Youd see him looking and smiling at you from a distance.. At your next glance, hell be a couple of steps closer.. Still closer at your next glance... And then voila, he is standing right next to you.. Smile back at any stage and youll find yourself in the Oprah Winfrey show... Hell bombard you with questions ranging from your duty timings and monthly salary to your date and place of birth.. Once he runs out of questions, hell vanish for a while to prepare a new questionnaire.. My dear friend Dr. Nauman Rahi believes that it is a sin to expect something from someone.. However... Its a greater sin to let someone expect something from you.. :D And therein lies the treatment of the journalist... Lower his expectation level... Excuse yourself every time he asks a question and disappear from sight.. Do this every single time until he shifts his focus towards another doctor.. :D The journalist is clearly a drain on your energy.. Unless your primary concern is to pass time too :D 2. The Chamdees/ The Chipkoo This guy is an unsophisticated version of The Journalist.. He is relatively less compromising about his patient... And a lot more compromising regarding social norms.. Chipkoo lacks the subtlety of the Journalist.. His attack is always obvious to the point of foolishness.. The best thing about him is that he is never difficult to find.. All you have to do is turn around and ull find him nine out of ten times... :D And the worst thing is, as all of you might have experienced, he doesnt feel the need to knock a door before opening it.. Chipkoos are interesting creatures... But their lack of inhibitions can be genuinely irritating.. Chipkoos can not be treated by indifference... Since they are too stupid to sense indifference, a negative anchor must be created in order to discourage their extra-frank demeanor... Use the carrot and stick approach if u have to, to tame this guy... 3. The Wikipedia on Legs Wed only heard of this category by our friends who worked in Private setups a few years back.. But as internet has become a common faciliity now, more of these internet geeks can be found in Govt. Hospitals these days... This guy prefers to consult the webmd before he goes for a real consultation... By the time he reaches you, he has already reached a diagnosis...The real intention behind going this extra mile is to make the doctor realize that he isnt facing ordinary people here.. We had a young geek who had nothing more than a mild gastritis.. Upon hearing this diagnosis, he swayed his head in disagreement, saying I think I have Zollinger Ellison Syndrome.. :D Doctors who have a strong theoretical background can easily tackle the geek.. But for doctors like us, who have a hard time recalling what zollinger ellison syndrome is, the geek can prove to be a toughie... We usually get on the back foot trying to convince him that clinical experience supersedes theories... But this doesnt help at all... The trick is to prove yourself by bombarding the geek with the most difficult terminologies in medical science until he starts losing you... Make up your own anatomy and physiology for a while if it helps for him to acknowledge your superiority in knowledge.. Once you have the upper hand, telling someone that little knowledge is a dangerous thing starts making sense.. ;) Dr. Nauman Rahi quotes a Martial Arts axiom here... Attack is the best defense :D 4. The Madhu Bala Madhu Bala refers to an average looking young female, with a high school education at most... Dressed up in an lukewarm trendy manner wearing a hillbilly makeup (with oily hair done in a double ponytail).. You get the idea.. :D She blushes at the very sight of a male doctor entering in the ward.. The way she twists her hair around her fingers and the way she fidgets with her Dupatta will remind u of old black and white hindi movies.. Communication with a madhu bala is nothing less than a torture, specially if she is the only attendant.. Every question of yours will elicit a different smile and a different fidgeting movement with little or no vocal response... Forunately though, they rarely are the only attendant... By good fortune, most of our doctors find them displeasing.. But some of our brothers who tend to pick the low-hanging fruit, end up picking them.. Once this happens, madhu balas raidly transform into the worst form of chipkoo (discussed in number 2) that u cannot get rid off until u throw ur phone away.. Our advice: Resist any temptation that you feel towards this creature if you want your sanity intact.. We learnt it the hard way... :D 5. The Protocolitis And the award for the scariest attendant goes to..... You are damn right... The protocolitis... The nastiest, the scariest, the bone-chilling, the hair-raising,the nerve-racking, the blood-curdling of all.. The protocolitis practically is the nightmare of a doctors life... In our city, the protocolitis is synonymous to Zia Ullah Shahs Brother... You see, Zia Ullah Shahs seat in the National Assembly has afforded a unique opportunity to the people of Rawalpindi.. Now every man who is a little bald on the top and has the face of a pig can claim to be a brother.. :D The protocolitis can be spotted a mile away from the way he walks.. He treads the surface of mother earth the way a victorious king would on the field of battle.. Words like Turn and Queue and Wait are meaningless to him since he considers himself invincible enough to be limited by these grammatical entities.. Since the protocolitis feeds off a name, he comes chanting it like a magical mantra.. If you appear to be alarmed by the name, to him the spell has worked.. The ministers evil soul will then try to possess you completely and expect you to carry out all his orders at the drop of a hat.. The trick is to deflate the hyperinflated ego as soon as he makes introduction... The moment he mentions his magnanimous minister, make the stupidest possible face (the face youd make if you were asked to draw the chemical structure of Propranolol in your community medicine viva :D) and say Who is he???... :D The expression on their faces will become your funniest memory... In case the bruised ego doesnt yield and they try to pin you down by telling how authoritative of a minister their reference is, behave as detached as you can (the way youd behave with the guy trying to sell you an insurance policy) and say Never heard of the name... Nine out of ten times, the delusion of grandeur will be healed instantly... 6. The Bhai Logs Bhai Logs dont show up that often... Since they have multiple places to show their talent, hospitals are at the bottom of their priority list.. But on days when lady luck doesnt favor the hospital administration, they come wandering (with one of their guys hit by a bullet usually)... And when they do, they make sure their presence doesnt go unnoticed.. They come in groups and they come prepared for any untoward occurrence.. Since their expectations are always difficult to fulfill (e.g they want their patient fixed in two hours) their presence almost invariably proves to be uneventful and the hospitals windows have to pay the price.. Anyone who tries to resist this terrible catharsis is also treated as a window.. :D Dr. Nauman Rahi was once heard saying If you cant learn how to fight, learn how to run.. :D The trick is to always have an emergency exit and to run as fast as you can... If you happen to be a girl, youll be escorted to a safe place within no time... But if you are a guy, you are on your own... In case you get bashed up, dont worry... You are already in a hospital... :D
Posted on: Thu, 03 Apr 2014 08:43:25 +0000
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