This too shall pass... A saying I now remember my mother using frequently when times were tough. I was raised in the home I reside in, surrounded by memories in both physical form and in mind. This holiday has been more emotional than usual. I have been saying my memories were locked away at times and thought I too might be acquiring the brutal disease I watched both parents a grandmother and dear aunt succumb to. Since putting up our perfect beautiful tree and gathering all the house trimmings from the old homes attic I began to let old memories stretching back as far as childhood back into my mind, and heart. I truly think I was protecting myself from sadness overload. The years of moms brutal battle here to her death, losses that left me shaken during and after her passing left me calloused, protecting myself from more hurt. It has been a whirlwind of memories that have come at unexpected times since an aftetnoon in my old farmhouse kitchen. The tiniest and most trivial things from laying under our big Christmas tree as a child looking up through the branches so fragrant squinting at the huge magnificent bulbs began to come back into my mind.The scent of my moms perfume and the joys of mysterious things inside her purse while I was laying my head in her lap at the old town drs office. Always a mint or piece of gum to help ease the trip while sick. Oh, how I wish I had her by me now during dr appts. I see my Dad sitting in the kitchen chair with me on his lap helping him sip his tea with milk and tell me I was a proper Irishman. My moms never ending work around this old house taking care of the family which always included caregiving to the sick and old, human and animal. I was rolling out pie dough in the same kitchen spot, using the same pin & board I eagerly watched her using a thousand times during my childhood. I was alone, no mother, no children left at home and began to let myself cry. All my family now gone as she herself would tell me in her own times of grief in recent years. Now I was able to feel the same loss I couldnt possibly understand during her sad times I found her in. A great sadness crept over me and I began to speak to mom out loud. I asked her if she was happy where she was and told her I missed her so much it hurt. I swear I heard a song in the far distance so soft I couldnt make it out. I dried my face and went back about my work mindlessly humming after my pie was in the oven. When I realized the tune was familiar but nothing I would normally hum I started sorting through my thoughts to try to recognize the words or title. All at once I remembered mom sitting at our piano playing that same song. A melody I never played or sang myself but remembered her telling me it was her and Dads song...My Happiness! My heart lightened and I wondered if somehow mom had answered my question...was she happy...I believe it with every ounce of my soul. Now, you may think I was pushed by melancholy or the tune that came from thin air was nothing more than a memory. I prefer to think it was a message. A message to help unlock the years that went before I had suppressed to protect my heart from further pain. I am now able to remember without tears. You see, I never knew the words to that song-until now. Grief, sickness, loss, sorrow... This too shall pass.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 19:03:26 +0000
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