This took me forever to press post.. I really hope im not disappointed & this wasnt a waste of my time. Ive been working on a letter. Its for everyone & anyone random who cares or who had cared for me in the past but has givin up on socializing with me due to my depressed, negative & odd behavior ive been consumed with. Its very real & I need supporting people seeing my condition has been progressively getting worse as of last year. Especially this past month with my health complications that may lead to a huge surgery that im freaking out over from past experiences. So this is just a short piece of my story & how much depression has destroyed my life. I have much more wrote down I want & need to share with everyone explaining how I feel & the reasons why I feel this way. It took many days & nights to write this extremely difficult, horrible experience im suffering from & its even more difficult to share because of peoples judgmental minds reading this. I actually cried at one point in the middle of this realization of how deep my cuts actually go. After hours of searching on google, reading web sites, forums & reading testimony of those who suffer from depression as well. It made me realize the fact I couldnt do this alone anymore. Support from everyone & ANYONE caring at this point would be very much appreciated. Since my whole story will not fit on here. E-mail me, send me a message or leave your E-Mail address in the comments. Here is my E-Mail Jayson2012@gmail If you asked a depressed person why he/she is sad or upset we might not necessarily have an answer for you & If we do have an answer, it’s likely that our answer sounds unravelment & Ridiculous. But many of us do try to rationalise, justify, give reasons for our belligerent sadness. And after or if we do, inevitably, we sound absurd, abrupt impervious & dispassionate to the outside world so here is my answer to why I feel so depressed. I want to die more than I know how to live. I experience the unrelenting illness that is depression. My Depression is a big, strong, dark thief, He stands silent with his feet planted solid in the doorway trapping me in a room robbing me of joy & happy memories from my past forever making me remember & repeat all the negative experiences & hurt feelings making each day harder then the day before. Depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. I wake up in the morning wishing the night sky would fall upon me quickly and I attempt to sleep away the day never waking up but My mind protests against it & it wakes me up anyway. I keep interrogating my thoughts like the FBI to only come up with Ive solved nothing and wasted hours of time i cant replace. I feel disconnected because it has destroyed my ability to feel the love of others, to feel loved, to enjoy love, to love myself, to love my life, to live my life. Boredom, Fatigue, Guilt and Grief Not feeling like myself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb Have no feelings about things I once enjoyed all brings with them periods of depression. It is physically draining, l barely have enough energy to function. I sink down into misery, frustration, anger & ultimately, though it is hard to admit it. The ugly emotion of self pity that makes me prefer to stay in bed. & then I think of the things that needed to get done and my day seems like an enormous obstacle I cannot over come. I stopped trying to cook on the stove because I have no desire to clean after. I buy things at the store like boxed juice and canned pop. Cereal, lunchables, cookies & i only drink milk from the jug because I have no energy to do dishes or anything else around the house for that matter. Its even a task just to get up & take a shower at times. Im home alone all day after all who do I have to impress? After I take a shower I can still smell my bodywash strongly the next day so I do skip days. Being depressed is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The happy have the luxury of a gift most people take for granted Starting the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do Whatever they desire. Please understand from my point of view I feel that everything everyone else does comes easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. The hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everythimg at once. I fight this to this day. I hate having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being happy and depressed. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. No deeper knowledge can be obtained about the nature of it. The whole experience has been suffering without a cause the script Im sick/depressed brain is telling me lm worthless, unlovable, alone, stupid, lazy, etc is stuck in my head. Depression In this way is a silent killer. Nobody needs to worry about me inflicting harm upon myself. Im not that selfish. But some of you have been selfish, from some it was non intentional, but from most it was purposely ignoring me or treating me in what I feel like & dont be offended but like shit. I love my mom & son to much to take my life. Id never let them feel what I feel like right now. Unlike others who have took their lives. I know what harm it would do to them emotionally. I know im a strong person mentally & physically. I tell others all the time im built to suffer & believe me I do suffer & it never goes away or gets better but Like the body needing food for nutrien & to obtain & gain strength, the mind needs support of others to stay strong as well. If you care anything about me after reading this & the other letter I wrote to share with all of u I worked so hard on. I expect you to start talking to me, even if I dont have much to say in return, please keep talking, force me to be social again.because im socially broken & my anxiety is through the roof bring up a good memory of us or tell me a funny story that happened to u recently over the summer do something to get my thoughts freed of this dark imprisoned mind I cant escape from. So with this being said, although you do not need to worry about me causing physical harm upon myself you as a loved one, family member, close friend or any of u whom claim to be there for me are guilty of what happens to me emotionally as of now after reading this plea for help & support. I understand its not fair to say your guilty, All Im saying is its fair to assume many of you are guilty of avoidance & not reaching out to me, generally just being emotionally/literally unavailable when I was bored & wanted something to do or when I really needed you & your support even if it was only a phone I wanted. I realize everyone has lives & family responsibilities to maintain, Im not asking for all your time. Im just asking for a little of your time before Im to far down this spiral of depression thats slowly draining my life & before my soul is unable to recover forever leaving me in deep exhaustion stranded between life and death.
Posted on: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 00:06:54 +0000
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