(This was my relationship advice to an anonymous friend a while back. Hope it helps someone out there) Im sorry to hear that. Its good that your trying to talk to him about it. These things dont get better by themselves. Trust is key to every relationship. You either trust your partner or you will try to control him or her, and that is dysfunctional. Movies arent a big deal, but forbidding your partner to go to the movies reveals something big that could grow nasty. I don’t mean that your boyfriend is a devil by any means. I’m sure he has many good qualities, else you would not be with him. But having good qualities in many areas does not excuse an ounce of badness in another area. Being a good pianist is not an excuse for having road rage. Road rage is wrong and we ought to call it so when we see it. My advice is to try and talk it over with him. Communicate that you love him and that you are trustworthy. But also, set clear boundaries. He must learn where his entitlement to you ends his respect and trust for you must pick up. And you must learn where your duty to your boyfriend ends and your respect for yourself picks up. If you want to go to the movies, you can. Plain and simple. But if you take responsibility for his feelings, because going to the movies hurts his feelings, then his feelings will control you. What is more unified then the Trinity? The Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Yet even within the Godhead there is a distinction of persons. How much more so in marriage? How much more so in courtship? You are still your own person. You may be responsible –to- your partner but you are not responsible –for- your partner. The only person you are responsible for is yourself. Your boyfriend is not responsible for you, so he has no right to control you. Likewise you are not responsible for him, or for the effect that your actions may have on his over-sensitive feelings. Do yourself and him a favor by setting clear boundaries while the relationship is still young. He will get upset, yes, but if he really loves you, he will yield and you will gain respect in this regard. But if he doesnt, and threatens and does break up with you, then you must move on. At least you will have preserved your freedom and dignity. However, if you recant and succumb to his controlling behavior, then you will not have preserved the relationship after all, because once you take away trust and respect, there is nothing left but a dysfunctional control-obey pattern, which is no relationship at all. There is a negative and a positive peace in relationships, the first is the lack of tension, the later is the presence of trust and respect. There was a lack of tension(negative peace) in Egypt before Moses showed up, but not justice. There was negative peace in the segregationist south before Doctor Martin Luther King Jr. started preaching, but there was not equality. There was negative peace in the over-taxed colonies before Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration, but there was not representation. There can be negative peace in a relationship; no tension but a lack of trust, respect, equality and representation. But that is called slavery and it is unhealthy, dysfunctional and wrong. Positive peace, the presence of trust and respect, equality and justice, must be fought for. Tension can be a good and purifying thing. Tension can bring to surface issues which were harmful in a silent way. Tension deals with problems and gives way to a more meaningful future. Avoidance does nothing. Boundaries are not bad. They enhance the relationship. A lack of clear boundaries creates confusion about what is and what is not ok. Do you think our relationship with Mexico would be better or worse if we did not have clear and defined boundaries between us and them? You couldn’t visit Mexico if no one knows where Mexico begins or ends. Likewise you need to be clear with your partner about who you are so that they know who they are talking too. So you need to get out of your head all illusions about a relationship where there are never any fights. That’s called an acquaintanceship. Strangers don’t fight, friends and family do. The closer you are the more likely you are to bump into them. The question is whether or not you will fight fairly: Do not be overly emotional when you approach him. Likewise he ought not to be aggressive. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Do not ask, “Why” they do this or that. Most people find “Why” questions hostile. Ask rather how they feel about this or that. Listen and be responsive, once he realizes he’s not under attack then tell him how you feel. After you have each identified what you think is the problem, and this last step is crucial; you must each work towards finding a suitable compromise. Meet in the middle, or you will fall apart. Like I said, its none of my business, but if your boyfriend isnt respecting your boundaries as a free person, then you should fight for your rights. He has no right to control you just because he fails to trust you. Put your foot down. Pull yourself together. Let your Yes be Yes and your No mean No. If you do this then I believe he will respect you more in the end for it, that or he was not worth much to begin with. For what its worth, that’s my advice.
Posted on: Sat, 26 Oct 2013 03:25:47 +0000
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