This weekend was the peak of a very difficult time for me. On top of many other issues that have been bringing me close to the wire in recent weeks, I was forced to relinquish Daisy back to her former owner who is a friend of mine. To put it bluntly, this was absolutely devastating for me. And I am not exaggerating my word choice. Yet at the same time, it forced me to come face to face with the cold hard truth of whats been going on lately. I hadnt been up to see her in two months, and had similar gaps in my previous visits since the beginning of the year. This means I had withdrawn so much as to lose track of the one thing that was keeping me going for myself...and when that goes away, thats when youre in danger of losing track of the more important parts of your life. Ive realized in this aftermath of this past Sunday that I have to make a decision. I can continue to mourn what I have lost and end up losing myself further, or I can get my feet under me and keep climbing. I can dwell on losing my horse in the here and now, or I can take the relief my friend has offered by re-assuming her other expenses and offering me a long-term lease until Im more prepared to take over her care again. I can get overwhelmed and disenchanted with Sanford and this house and angry with what Mike has dumped on me, or I can remember the friends that I have made here...future godparents of my children who practically treat them (and me) like family and have come to my rescue on countless occasions when Ive been stuck at work and the kids needed something, or helped both of the kids struggle through their behavioral reactions to the divorce...the list is endless. The dance teacher who kept after me to keep Adrienne dancing through her depression last year, the neighbors who have helped me break into the house when I left my keys inside, and also helped me as Ive struggled to keep up with the maintenance, the friends that have offered play dates so that the kids and I can move on and rebuild a new life apart from the one that was ripped from us by one persons arrogance and pride. For every reason that I can think of to leave Sanford and go home north, I can think of someone here that has cared enough to go out of their way to make it worth staying. As for this house, I could fixate on everything that needs to be done...all the clean-up and repairs that were here to begin with that Mike and I were supposed to have tackled together, or I can think about how my almost 70 year old father drove 100 miles today just to come mow my lawn and cut brush and try to fix my dishwasher, and bring me a rotary sander for my kitchen ceiling. And hes coming again this weekend to help me take care of some more projects his ex-son-in-law left behind. Im going to get a shed built for my lawn tools and a trash can enclosure, and Beaus going to finally get a decent kennel area. I could stay frustrated about having to take the truck off the road because of the associated commuting expense, or I can be grateful for the friends that helped me find a good car and the assistance from my dad to get it, and another friend who has offered to let me carpool so that I can keep the job that is going to keep me and the kids afloat for the next several years...the job that allows me to throw myself into work when I need a distraction, and has provided me with an opportunity to return to school...and best of all, to resume serving the country I love without having to sacrifice the way I did when my children were first born and I was wearing a uniform. No longer do I have to worry about being required to leave them within 72 hours notice to go anywhere in the world for unknown periods of time - no exaggeration. So yes, its dark right now, and it may get darker still before it gets light, but Im choosing to think about the positives. Ive had many reasons to fold lately, but Id rather be grateful for the people who keep me going...thank you for helping me shoulder this burden...
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 03:27:24 +0000
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