This weeks bedtime story is entitled: The Knoblet Ferrara Might you have ever noticed an overturned peanut shell in the corner of your house, cast aside on a busy city street, or possibly at the base of some lonesome stairwell yea that’s them all right… It’s the only thing their bulbous yet tiny legs and crooked feet will fit into, the only thing suitable to wear as shoe wear. Hey you try finding shoes that small. From the waste up, there’s nothing too shocking about them however, on down to their toes it’s an awful lot like a pretty nasty mixture of leprosy and elanphantitis combined. Ever look through the corner of your eye and catch something petite and fuzzy, you could have sworn just went rushing off in a preternatural way? Them again, easily mistaken for a common Elf only four times smaller in stature, bowlegged and they reek of peanut sauce. See they’ve fought an ongoing war with the Gnomes over the span of several ages now. In numbers the Knoblet Ferrara are so organized that even the Willow Tree Elves rarely intervene. You could say they’re a lot like army ants with only two things on their minds. Their home base is in Deleware although they’d like to lead you to believe it’s located in Michigan. Why that is our sources still couldn’t say. Working and sleeping in shifts, the night and the day crew constantly rotate chasing the darkness of the Earth. While the day crew rests the night crew drags them behind in tow on the threshold of light and shadow. Their two main agendas have remained the same for many more lifetimes than one linear being could rightly account for. Objective one collect and process the fabric of your socks, objective two acquire three to four ounces of “Sleep,” most commonly referred to as “Eye Boogers,” from ever single household. Failure to do so, so we’re told, leads to lashings from some of the slightly taller and much wider Knoblet Ferrara in charge of what they call “Penalties.” They’re often whipped with shoe strings which have been soaking in humming bird nectar. To avoid the nectar lashings it is crucial that they perform their duties in an exacting manner. You see they essentially creep in at night, timing is subject to change, dependant upon the region and with tiny hooks latch onto the “Eye Boogers” as they freshly form just after R.E.M. sleep, yeah that’s the best time to harvest. Many of us believe that the darkening circles beneath our eyes are due to the pooling of blood while we sleep however, this is incorrect, it is in fact bruising from the Knoblet Ferrara’s efforts to collect “Sleep” from the slumbering subjects resting orbs. Often they carelessly drag their small ivory hooks along the surface, deeply bruising the tissue and thus causing “Circles under our eyes.” To this day despite stakeouts, our observations have yet to reveal just what they are using our “Sleep” and the fibers of our socks for. Some speculate that it is a source of nutrition while other’s have claimed that much like our fossil fuels they have managed to use “Eye Boogers” to run a series of miniature machines… to what end you ask… we still haven’t the faintest. Our Recommendations: Should you wish to avoid replacing socks at the very least two to three times annually, we advice you to place tinfoil all around the edges of your bed, this is so that you will hear them as they approach, also for reasons unknown, these little guys are deathly afraid of cheese wiz. If you feel so inclined to do so, pick some up from your local supermarket and keep it handy at night. It might feel a bit strange at first however, if you keep a can atop your night stand after so long you will become accustomed to it. Also please feel free to spray cheese whiz all around your bedside to properly ward them off in the event you do not awake upon hearing the crunching of the tinfoil. The Benefits: By doing so you’ll both avoid dark bruising beneath your eyes, and your pocket book will not take a hit, since you will no longer be forced to replace your socks.
Posted on: Wed, 14 Aug 2013 04:37:06 +0000
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