Three hundred sixty-five days have come and gone since he kissed me goodbye for the final time. In this expanse of life and the oftentimes surreal memories of the year, I have found myself at the mercy of profound transformation which truly has only just begun and I thank those of you who have weathered the journey with me, holding me up when it feels too big and dancing with me when it comes and simply and genuinely showing up for me. Finding my way to myself and forward on the journey, despite the tragedy of his death and the constant longing that drums on my heart, I have learned the deep truth that the energy of our soul is not a mutually exclusive beast. I often simultaneously experience retching despair and vibrant delight for life; it feels like madness and is utterly exhausting to swing between those two places but I am so so thankful that the dreamer in me has begun to awaken, slowly concocting and brewing and cultivating the beginning of a vision for this new path through life I have found myself traveling along, holding four tiny hearts and companion hands as we go. Grief as I see it is something that cracks you open, turns you inside out and then unceremoniously spills the mess of you in a heap. The lucky ones have friends and family to protect and nurture us through that process. Then, somewhere along the journey through mourning, the light of living again slowly, slowly starts to cautiously glow and we find slowly that reassembly happens with every breath we take and although we eventually will return to a whole version of self and the truth of our past is unchanged, the very essence of who we are and all the truths that define us and resonate in our soul look so very different. The sunrise is more exquisite in my appreciation for the gift of this life, even as I long to share it all with the one who is beyond my reach. There is such rawness in the depth of longing for you Reid Nannen, yet I hear you whispering on my heart, Go...live and love it into being. Build the life of our dreams.
Posted on: Sun, 04 Jan 2015 04:56:30 +0000
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