Three years ago, we were a few short hours away from welcoming Isla Bird into the world and becoming a family of three. Two years ago, we were cleaning our house for her first birthday party with our families. And last year, we were blowing up balloons which Josh then threw into a pocket between her closed bedroom door and a tablecloth taped to the frame so they would cascade into her room when we went in to get her in the morning. And tonight? I am fearful of tomorrow. Not because I am not completely joyful for that gorgeous first born child of ours who sleeps across the hall. No. She has kept me moving, kept me busy even when I would rather shut the entire world out. She has given me hope and a reason to smile. Tomorrow is my baby girls day and that is am incredible blessing. But tonight as both of our children sleep, I look as broken as I so often feel. I can be a mess tonight as I look back to where we were and how it should still be. I can cry myself to sleep because I am going through his sweethearts birthday without him right now. Shes only three, God. Why does she have to have already faced one of the hardest things that any human faces at such a young age? Tomorrow, I will be strong and celebrate the day in honor of Isla. In honor of the love Josh and I share and what we created with that love. Tonight...Ill miss him and be sad. Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried, than before--more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle. - Charles Dickens
Posted on: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 01:42:50 +0000
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