Tiny Hands...Come With Me And Ill Lead You Daddy. -for my baby Elianne Velma-Agnes Zeena. Our story is forever never-ending with an infinite beginning. I smiled. I stood there and I smiled. Yes, I smiled a smile thats worth a thousand million more smiles that I hope to smile this glamorous, wonderful smile the rest of my tired life. This here one smile I was given. I stood there and a smiled veiled my weathered face that soothed the coldness within. My eyes became pregnant with tears of guilt because I believed the world that I was not so deserving of such beauty and that I was not fatherly enough to love and care for such a fragility of life. But yet, I stood there and smiled. My throat caught this unexpectedness and I tried to choke back everything I feared. Not wanting to let these tears and smile break the hero and untouchable soul you saw me as. But these vacant eyes that sulked beneath these disposable bones let loose these awkward waterworks and my face painted this blank canvas frame of my face with a smile so that I was beyond conviction without words as I selfishly grabbed onto this moment. I smiled a smile that stretched these weathered lines that creased the edges of my frowns and hung them amicably in hopes these simple smiles never surrender for they belong to me. And without wanting to lose a second as you were born, I stood by your mother and stared in worried disguise at the magical, unbelievable wonderment of how she painfully birthed you to this world. I stood there. In shock. In shock at first and then just a silent, dumbfounded gaze that tore me away from the bleeding womb of your mother and shied myself to look into your mothers eyes as I tried to extinguish the sadness and worry I still felt and all the while trying to be strong for her. Hoping that you and mom were okay. Praying silently in my heart that you and mom were going to be fine because I never seen so much blood and heard such death-ful screams before and to be honest with you, before I could cry and say anything stupid; I saw you as you slowly peeked your head out. I saw you slowly and slippery, head first, come into this world as I stood there big eyed and with a breathless sigh that exhaled the finality as I watched you become of this world. I was scared. So scared but hoped no one would notice and as I became quietly overcome with panic and frantically unsteady with worry about mom and you, I honestly almost shouted to everyone because I was emotionally scared and worried as I saw that you didnt so much as make a sound. Silently you came but after a brief tick of the clock you beautifully, angelically and with a harmonic cry; you announced your arrival as you lay in the comfort of your mothers breast and let your tiny lungs expel a lullaby cry so soft I gazed at you and smiled. I smiled. I smiled and I turned to stare out the window at the clouds on that morning so blessed with the arrival of you and bit my lips to hide the muffled choking and the moans and groans that bellied my eyelids with tears overflowing and became finicky as I tried to hide and shelter my shell of a soul. I stood there that day. And I cried for that brief split second and let loose those tears of happiness and let love escape for that brief split moment. Yes, my beautiful baby girl. Daddy wasnt so strong that day and Daddy almost cried so loud as I shed those tears as you arrived like the quiet of the night and how you were so calm with soft breaths like that of stars that hummed and sighed with twinkling, blinking assurances. My princess, I was so lost with thoughts of happiness and worry mixed profusely, I lingered with questions and tried to remember all the prenatal care Ive learned and the constant research and updates from Baby; watching as you arrived in a slimy, liquid and sticky protectant while trying to ask with a panic in my voice,Why is her eyes so black? What is that stuff their putting in her eyes? Who? What? Why? Manically wanting to hurt the doctor that injected that stuff in your eyes, that same doctor turned to me with a pair of scissors and asked if I wanted to cut the umbilical cord. Me? Why me? Why do we have to cut it? Why do I have to cut it? What if Im not a good enough father to her and she needs to hide? What if she doesnt like it here and wants to go back in, how will she breath? How will she eat? Will it hurt her mother, my love, my queen? Shes bleeding still and you want me to cut it? I cut it. My hands shook and trembled as I cut that life line and sweat beaded my forehead as I looked down at the cord and my mouth dropped in amazement because I was holding in my hands the precious, life giving line that nurtured you my baby Elianne, for those nine months. Questions versed so well and yet, I kept them to myself because even I was smart enough with all the research and baby updates to know when too keep my mouth shut and what was the right and wrong thing to ask and say like, Shes so very beautiful and Im not asking for permission so here is a kiss because that is my first thank you out of a billion more that I owe you. But of course, I said those things within and without so much of a sound. A blighted jest but I was so contented with everlasting happiness and joy, I swept those smiles from the billowy, cotton candy clouds and embraced this simple, simple, simple smile of certainty of that day that Id keep forever and a never-ending when I was given the gift of you my sweet baby Elianne. I smiled and tried to stand erect as an iron, gritted god chiseled out of marble but fell short even to the likes and words of a poet because I was not the one to belong to such musings but rather you my love, belonged amongst the brittle, literature parchment of beauty and admiration so poetically and magically novelized and written. Yes my love, Daddy became less of a hero that day and knew I would forever be in debt to mom as I watched her execute the strength and courage with sheer determination and without a thought to never regret as mom pushed forth what needed to help you along. To finally join us. I admired mom that day. She became my hero and I wanted to make sure everyday I woke up next to her and fell asleep beside mom, I wanted mom to know that I admired her and that I would do anything in this world to show mom how much I loved, appreciated and thanked her for bringing you into this world. Into my life. Into my arms. Into my heart. Into this simple smile. My heart fell at peace and stubbornly obliged to accept that you and mom were okay and all the dangers had well been passed so lighten up Mr. Daddy, look at your beautiful baby daughter! They wrapped you in a hospital blanket and told mom they were going to put you in one them baby warmer things. The nurse tucked you in her arms then suddenly stopped short before slowing momentarily to place you in the clear, warm bin when she turned and smiled at me and asked if Id like to hold you. I stuttered but made sense enough that yes, I did want to hold you. She walked around the bed and stretched her arms to hand you to me Elianne, when I peered over her arms and saw the brightest, biggest, most beautiful eyes staring at me from a distance. I extended my arms closing the distance between us and opened my hands to accept you within them for knowing that, the moment they placed you within the scars and portraits of nightmares and bad dreams that my arms housed; I would forever love you, protect you, comfort you, shelter you and every goddamn thing these arms could, would do and need to do to for you! I reached for you and promised you that. A tear clouded and hazed my eyes and dared to exit any moment so I smilingly and quickly pulled you into my wanting arms. This is my moment. You gave something that will always belong to me. My moment. So rare and so much more complicated than a simple smile. You turned your head to me my love, my baby Elianne and stared at me with those huge, beautiful eyes and gazed at me and in that same millisecond of thought, you reached with the left side of those soft, new, wrinkly baby fresh hands and touched with your tiny hands and fingers and placed those same tiny hands and fingers that hasnt touched anything of this world yet and placed those tiny left hands and fingers to the side my face! You slowly my baby Elianne, caressed and slid your tiny hands downward and stopped before you ran out of room and just kept those tiny little hands there for an eternal moment but in all reality, it was more like three, four seconds! I wanted to cry with happiness so bad when you did that but I let my eyes fog with those tears and forced my self not to let it happen because this was my and your moment! My baby, I pushed my face to yours as you had your hands rested there and as you continued to stare at me with those wonderful eyes and as I whispered thank you for choosing me. Thank you for soul searching and choosing me to be your dad. Daddy will always love you! I love you! I love you! It was our moment and your tiny little hands told me you knew me all along when you were in moms belly and that you already knew my love and now you wanted me to know yours. I smiled and as I held you in my arms and as I constantly stole a kiss and as I stared at you then to mom, I watched that day become a sunset with lazy hues and residues of satin, bubblegum laced purples, deep, unforgiving oranges and golden, mustard ridicules and let the sunlit rays retire to the night stars blanketed by the never-ending landscape of midnight blacks and splashings of stream binding Pollack colors that enveloped us all into a vibrant woven dream! An I fell asleep. With you in my arms and with a song I was singing to you that hung incomplete on the tip of my tongue with a humming, sleepy sing song voice that sputtered out lyrics, I nodded a story-less jerk and woke to stare at mom and mom not only sat there in the quiet, gasping of the hospital machines in the squeaky hospital bed in her uncomfortable hospital gown, mom stared at us with a smile and silently mouthed to us that she loved us! My heart skipped a remnant of a beat and for that one simple, silent gesture and moment; my heart believed those words that mom gave us. I let my heart become open. It was me, mom and you baby Elianne and yet if it wasnt for I that held such precious lives in my heart and brought to that room that night; my other two daughters and completed us as we were all there and finally as one, my Family! I closed my eyes and fell in defeat to sleep and tiredly looked at mom and hoped those words held truth because I truly, honestly loved mom and baby girl, you were just as beautiful as she! Sleep. Slept. I woke to your cooing and baby gurgling and quickly looked for a solid wall to touch to show it wasnt a dream. It wasnt and it was so much more real when mom and you greeted me with a smile and kiss and I saw the happiness in mom and how I promised to always keep that happiness and smile in moms heart and on her face. I searched for you baby girl and saw you bundled in blankets and you slightly opened one eye and looked up at me as I began to unfold and unwrap you as I picked you up and how you first traced with those stubby, brand new little fingers of yours; you began to glide them gently across the naked waste of my face like it was a map to my life and outlined my smile gracefully and without judgement. A year and eight months later I despised myself for losing all those days unspent with you that I can never get back and failing as a father and breaking my promise to mom and everyone else. But my baby girl Elianne, that few days that I got to finally spent with you, we went for a walk and walked to nowhere and everywhere because we didnt care because it was Me and You! You picked up stones to throw and laughed when I did the same and found parody in whatever clumsiness and silliness we forged together and we continued to laugh and smile outrageously loud and obnoxiously but we didnt care. Because it was you and I! I smiled but somehow you saw beneath it and looked up to me an told me,Dont even try Daddy. You cant fool me and I know your heart all to well and I have your eyes so I can see through them just as you do and all that you see and feel from now on, you cant hide it and anything from me Daddy! I stood there. I stood there and my knees fell victim as it surrendered to you without a moment to waste and slumbered against this invisible wall thats been holding me up nowadays. These quiet tears carved infinite imprints and gave a shadowed, glowing aura that diffused any longing and sadness that versed within. I sat there. Sat there as my knees fell out beneath me as my heart beat soundly to find reason as to why and how this beautiful baby girl so angelic and princess like became the cause to weaken a man that wasnt deserving of this moment. Slowly and assuringly I rested and masked my face as I buried it within these old, calloused hands and wept as I wanted so bad to understand. I closed my eyes and floated on a twinkling, pathway lit by falling stars and colorful, electric galaxies as I became dream swept to the past that I was told didnt exist anymore. But I saw you. As I held you that Wednesday morning for that brief moment that has been measured by a heart beat, I looked at your saddened face before the worst became the worst. How I saw in your baby eyes and felt in your innocent, virgin childhood demeanor; you already knew how my happiness was going to dissolve. I was so keen and resolved on being happy and more so as you arrived earlier than expected as I thanked those gone and those who walk amongst us invisibly. You quietly expected the outcome and told me so as you told me on that walk. Only this time I felt and truly became lost and I couldnt find my way back to this life. Yet, as you knew and expected in the next few seconds that Daddys heart was going to shatter into a billion little pieces, you stared at me and within those very few seconds you allowed yourself to spent those diminishing seconds on me and smiled at me with so much love in so very less of a second and somehow you found the ability in an extension of time inside and within those spent seconds to say,Daddy!? Your courage as a father, your compassion so much shared with the world, your humbleness to give to others before yourself, your humility to recognize your faults and mistakes, your love so powerful that youve given to so many has allowed us to selfishly and shamelessly burden our heartaches and mistakes on you, your effortlessness to give to others without asking for anything in return and your ability of simplicity that offers you the simple wants and needs to all of which can be counted on one hand; Daddy, I Love You forever never-ending and because of everything Ive said to you just now, you being my Daddy is worth more than anything and anyone and any one word(s) could ever describe and compare and Daddy, you alone is all I will ever need and want! So whats going to happen now, please remember this as well as our walk. Because Daddy, these tiny hands of mine will always fit perfect within yours and they will never let go of yours! I know I wont be seeing to much of you after this happens but please Daddy, take these tiny hands so small and little and come with me and let me lead you Daddy! Im smiling. Im smiling and holding onto courage and strength of the past of Daddy and Daughter as I let my hands become sweaty as I grasp a fitting hold within my babys and how Im somehow going to ignore the pang and tingling in my arm where my love, my baby Elianne has fallen asleep. Im smiling because Im here with my Elianne and no one will ever figure out the complex and infinite puzzle piece to my rubix cube of a head and dream woven remembrances of Daddy and Daughter because its okay, I will love my baby here in my dreams until my babys heart leads her back to me. Daddy has fought battles and grieved the most hurtful and painful tears and lived to outlive the saddest of hearts and continued to smile at the worst of worst of words to hurt that can hurt someone deeply and now I look at you my love, my Elianne, your so innocent and you should never have let yourself become involved. But you did. And your eyes and gestures lovingly told me that,Daddy, no matter what, here, take my tiny hands so small and so little and come with me and let them lead you for awhile. Because you said youd forever be in debt to mom but dad, I will forever be in debt to you. Because I have a Daddy that loves me, needs me, misses me, cares about me, wants me, thinks about me, cries for me, wants my hugs and kisses, needs my hugs and kisses and most importantly; will always want to be apart of my life! Im smiling. Im smiling because if you ever stood by me and if you ever truly looked your child in the heart, youd hear the unexpectedness and be surprised at the things unsaid that they are too scared to voice and how chilling and tear dropping beautiful of how they cant talk yet but how they are vocabulary building sentences and feelings of emotion in hopes youd listen deep enough to hear. Elianne my love, thank you for your tiny little hands and thank you baby, for leading me when I failed and decided to give up the walk! Im smiling and I smile now because Im closing my eyes and dreamingly feel the newborn caress and touch of my Elianne that soothed its way across my face as she stared at me with those loving eyes saying,Yes Daddy, I know who you are but I just want to put touch to sense and to finally touch my Daddy as I want to touch the man that sang to me and warmed me and calmed me and the aromatic smell that confined the newborn scent of a new baby inside our stuffy noses and as Im smiling and writing and remembering I will let these ellipses end this story or thought and remind us that this story of Daddy and Daughter will continue and that these tiny little hands have more strength than we will ever know and they will lead us when we become lost and......
Posted on: Thu, 03 Jul 2014 22:07:45 +0000