To Ryan Shipley About a year or so ago I made a promise that should you ever get stuck in feeling terrible I would do my best to knock you out of it. Given your posts over the past few days its clear you are stuck. I always keep my promises to the point of ruin, and I will honor it now. I am going to address the points you keep raising, and I am going to try my hardest to convince you why you are wrong. You are considering yourself broken beyond repair, and the weight of that realization is crushing you. All I am left with is to show you being broken is never the end of the story unless we allow it to me. I am going to drop all pretense and simply show you my own journey, and just how badly I have failed and yet still push forward. I am posting this rather than messaging it because I am not afraid to share it if helps anyone else with similar challenges as use. To anyone else reading this, what follows is not pleasant, nor is it intended to be. If your prefer to see me as the happy, goofy person that I try to be then by all means feel free to stop here. I wont know otherwise and will in no way be offended. Conversely, this is not a cry for help nor me wallowing in self pity. I am proud of where I am now, despite the long road still ahead, and I am more at peace than I have been in a while despite still having some aftershocks anxiety wise. This is for my friend, not for me. If you wish to help, then please comment with how you felt that you needed to give up and why you are glad you didnt. Well, lets get started then. Ryan, when I was younger I had no idea what an anxiety condition even was. I was odd, and I had to accept that would always be odd. I could not act like my peers no matter how hard I tried, as in my nervousness and fear I would always seek to create distance or alienation. I was intentionally excessive in this regard to prevent friendships from forming, as I could not stand the burden of trying to understand what they wanted. In retrospect, I was incredibly selfish, as I simply cared about how I felt, and practically never considered that I could actually be liked, and that my obvious rejection was hurtful. This, to be honest, was my entire pre-college life. Despite the constant efforts of those around I ended High school with practically no friendships intact, and after the first year of college I never spoke to any of them until years later. College was no better, at first. Any hopes at reinventing myself in a more sociably palatable mold were quickly dashed. I fit in even worse, as my lack of social growth as an adolescent quickly hobbled me with people that were free to go whereever they wanted. Mobility was an issue because in my fear of change and growth I utterly refused to drive. I did not have a drivers license until I was 24. However, friendships came slowly, as I met people overcoming far greater challenges than I had in front of me. People so broken they could be touched, could not trust anyone. They felt a kindred spirit, and soon I found I rarely had to have lunch alone. However, I also found myself paralyzed by my lack of experience, and when they hurt and cried I did nothing but sit by and be awkwardly silent. I still think about those times, and I always wish I had done more. People like us never lose the regrets - yet they only bind you if you let them. With friendships came new terrors, as now I was aware of how much damage I could do. And when I was hurt, I assumed I deserved it and said nothing, did nothing, and basically was nothing. And as the promise of greater social involvement grew, I shrunk away again. I did not visit a friend outside of college until I was 25. However, as I allowed myself to accept that others did believe in me, and that I owed them a debt to be what they saw. It hurt. Immeasurably. But despite my failures I earned second chances, and I relished them. Soon I had befriended someone so much she was comfortable with having me as a roommate. Needless to say, I had to adjust to living with someone else, and in my selfishness and fear we had to work through several things together. But we did, and I have a lifelong friend in her. With each failure I broke. Days and weeks I would let the attacks rob me of sleep and solace. But in grad school I found a passion, and soon threw myself into it joyously. Libraries. The fact we are coworkers is proof as to how that ended. Years of passion and dedication ultimately meant nothing. I just got my fifth rejection letter trying to apply back, and I probably never will make it back at this point. The one thing I gave my all to I have failed at. As much as that hurt I still move forward, because as long as I keep trying I can always succeed in something else. I let it energize me, not crush me. That took years. Years. I was so depressed my first year at the call center that I threw up nearly every day for 6 months. I cried probably half that time. I never took sick time or days off because I knew I wouldnt come back. However, I refused to give up, and 5 years later I have the schedule I want in the position I do truly love. Finally, there are the personal failures with others. At this point in my life, I need both hands to count the people that decided their lives were better off without me and told me as much. Of those people, only two are back in my life, and with the constant concern that I might lose them again. I must watch every word, every act, and while it drains me I will not give up on them as I treasure every chance I am given. I have lost people I cannot replace as a result of not doing so previously. One of which is now no longer amongst the living. I will never get to show her how much her insight meant to me, and that I appreciated how hard she tried to help me. This is why I cannot sit silent while you struggle. It is not too late for you. You have not done anything that you cannot build from. You are far less selfish and more humble than me. I sincerely believe your potential to help others - especially through laughter - far outshines mine. I believe in you, and I believe you will overcome because while I still have far to go, being able to appreciate where I was still pushes me. You see your challenges as a weight that has pinned you, that no matter how many people help you cannot throw it off. You are right. You will not throw off this weight because it is part of you. Its a gift, because it is fuel. Fuel to drive you, fuel to always keep you looking, searching for the humor in everything because you need so badly to laugh. God gave it to you for that purpose. Is it fair? No, but neither is being born without sight, hearing, or a beating heart. Do not measure yourself against others, not even me. You must define your own happiness. I am here for you, you are not alone in this. But I will not lie to you and sell you some miracle cure. You have many trials ahead but it is worth it. Im 34, single, alone, having lost my dream job and living with regrets, but I will not let that stop me from enjoying tomorrow. Stop letting it stop you. If you need me to repeat this to you everyday, then I will do so. God put us into each others lives for a reason. This is not pity, its understanding. No reply is necessary, sleep well and peacefully, and be excited you have tomorrow.
Posted on: Tue, 30 Sep 2014 00:52:24 +0000
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