To everyone on my facebook friends list: As most of you know back in July I was posting about suicide and even gave the illusion that I was dead. This was a ignorant lie that I attempted to pass off. In May of 2014 I found out that the one girl I so very much loved had left me and found someone new. Instead of being the level headed person I thought I was, I went overboard. I was consumed with betrayal and hurt. I was acting irrationally. When I realized that I she no longer wanted to be with me I attempted to use personal things against her to convince her to be with me and to hurt her. Instead of being the best friend I used to be towards her. Instead of doing the right thing and letting her go. I pushed her away, very far away. In July I was in Dallas Texas training for a wonderful opportunity I was granted. However with the emotional stress going on I couldnt control my emotions and actions. I spent my nights partying, drinking, and crying. I was severely depressed. I began to really move forward with the idea of suicide. It began to be an every day thought, than an every hour thought, than an every minute thought, I was a coward and could never finish the plan. So then I decided to go through with it. When I inevitably failed I decided to just run away from everyone and everything. At this point the partying had taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I was at the end of training when I went out with some co-workers to celebrate success. I convinced my co-workers to do some very irresponsible things and they convinced me to do some also. This led to some very bad jokes and actions. That led to me having to part ways with my new job. From there I spent August - September in a fit of depression and suicidal thoughts. I began to just spend my day either on the couch or getting wasted. I tried numerous times to find an outlet whether playing video games or working out. Nothing seemed to help. Nothing took her off my mind. Then In September things began to take a turn. I found the video game Destiny and actually spent some time playing it but I was still depressed. Around November I began a new job and things were still not where I wanted them to. At the end of December I got offered a position with a Fortune 100 company making 53,000 dollars a year salary with an average bonus of 20-30,000 dollars. Now I travel the U.S. with all my expenses paid, staying in extremely nice hotels, riding in rental cars that are higher than most peoples annual salary. It would be a lie to say that I am over Miranda Renee Lee. I think about her daily but I have realized I can never have her back in a relationship. I just wish I could be so lucky to be her friend. I think about it every day and I want to make amends for the pain I caused. I have spent the last few weeks helping other people online in similar situations as my own. I wish I could say that I am doing this out of some altruistic motivations but I merely am trying to atone for my sins. It feels amazing having such a great opportunity. I am already projected to make close to 6 figures this year alone. 6 figures. Think about that. I dont have to worry about bills, expenses, nothing. I can be anywhere in the US at a moments notice while getting paid. Stacks on deck, Patron on ice And we can pop bottles all night Baby, you could have whatever you like I said, you could have whatever you like Thats the motto right now ^^^. My only regret is that my best friend, the girl I have always loved, isnt here to enjoy this with me. If I had this opportunity a year ago, I would still have her. Not because she is a gold-digger but because it would have taken away all our stress. My goal for 2015 is simple. I am going to have fun, enjoy life. I am going to make amends with those I have hurt, especially Miranda. I am going to go back to doing the things I enjoy. I am going to live life. But most importantly I am going to take care of the people that stuck by me these last few months. Because there was many nights when I was ready to pull the trigger and people talked to me when they had no reason to reply. People who I never paid any attention to ending up being the friends I needed. I am really thankful for that.
Posted on: Mon, 12 Jan 2015 00:09:23 +0000
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