To my Family & Friends whove been fighting with their mates: FIGHT FAIR. It sounds strange, I know. Especially coming from a Mom, and particularly when the Mom is also a Marriage and Family Therapist. Yet I encourage you to please fight in a manner that will, believe me, HELP enrich your relationship. When arguing, dont aim for a bloody point-scoring knockout. Instead, seek opportunities to be uplifting and loving toward your mate. Here are five of my favorite Fair-Fighting tips. First, only engage in one-on-one combat. Family and friends can offer advice, support and prayer. But they should never participate in the conflict itself. So don’t solicit their help in “ganging-up” on your spouse. It feels unfair and it can make you look like a playground bully. Second, always use “I” statements. Starting sentences with the word “You” may cause your spouse to become defensive or possibly avoid you. So instead of saying, “You act like you don’t love me,” say, “I feel unloved when . . . .” Be specific (e.g., “you curse at me,” “we sleep in different rooms,” “I am alone all night while you’re out with your friends.”0 Of course you also want to express how you are FEELING and not what you SUSPECT your mate is up to. Duh. Third, maintain mutual respect. Using a hostile tone, belittling attitude, foul language or demeaning words will break your spouse’s spirit quicker than it will solve the problem at hand. So keep your language kind and considerate even in the heat of an argument. And no hitting beneath the belt, either. Name-calling is a no-no, along with pointing out physical traits, unattractive body parts, and so forth. Fourth, stay in the moment. Avoid “pile on.” Resurrecting past problems and old issues is a sure way to turn your “minor fender-bender” into a “major freeway disaster.” So talk only about the current conflict and present issues. Leave the past in the past. Fifth, agree to disagree. Accept the fact that the only person you can change is YOU, and unless you are willing to change your opinion on the subject at hand, then it may be wisest for you to simply drop the matter altogether. Unless this issue is worth destroying your relationship or dissolving your marriage, then let it go. Take the high road by suggesting that you appreciate having had the opportunity to discuss the matter, and then find a point of compromise or a rule you can both agree upon. In sum, learn to be patient with your partner and with the marriage process itself. Marriage is a journey, not a destination. So don’t expect instant resolution. You two are in a process of merging two different people, with different backgrounds, different experiences, different cultures, different personalities, different needs, and so on. So recognize your differences and dont permit them to destroy your relationship. -- Lorna
Posted on: Tue, 08 Apr 2014 20:06:24 +0000