To my family, friends & church family, PRAISE THE LORD, for he has caused me to sleep again!!! PRAISE HIM for helping me to drop my stubbornness and my fear of sleeping (when I did not even ask him for the help)!!! This entire week, 5 days, I slept 7 to 8 hours each night! My doctor told me to play music while I slept, so I played my daughter’s music CD she made for me when she was in children’s choir. I usually need silence while I sleep, but listening to her music was relaxing& peaceful! This entire week, I went to bed with a smile on my face and woke up with a smile on my face!!! I was apprehensive, fearful that the nightmares would come back while I slept but her music gave me a n overwhelming feeling like I was in Heaven!!! What nightmares? The nightmares of watching all my loved ones that have died, watching them die all over again while I stood by and did nothing. Losing everyone from soldier brothers, to skydiving buddies (that died from doing the same skydiving stunts that I do) to other friends, and even family. Recently my doctor volunteered me for a sleep study program, sleeping overnight in their clinic. They told me that humans must sleep 3 to 4 hours before the brain would begin dreaming (R.E.M. rapid eye movement). They told me that what my brain does is that as soon as it begins dreaming, it would wake me up. They told me that I have “trained” or “conditioned” my brain to wake up in 3 hours so that I would not dream the nightmares of losing the loved ones. They told me that I can control the fear of dreaming in a similar manner of how I control the fear of skydiving. The asked me about the skydiving. I told them that I control the fear of skydiving, it does NOT control me. They agreed with me and said we can find other ways to help me sleep. They said some fear of skydiving stays with me but they can completely help remove the fear of sleeping. I told them that I do not deserve sleep because I did not stop the loved ones from dying. God knows tat I would have given my life for anyone of those loved ones. There is a Bible verse John 15:13- “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” Mom, I prayed so many times for God to give me dad’s cancer. Nancy you know that I would have given my life for Mindee. This morning as I was about to awaken, in my dream my family & loved ones welcomed me back to the land of the living!!! (because I was torturing myself). Some how, in some way or other, life does find a way to go on living. Before today, I was afraid to live and afraid to die. (A fear much greater than skydiving) But no more! God has given me the strength, the courage, to face the fears, the challenges, even the fear of the unknown!!! PRAISE GOD!!! I was NEVER going to ask God to help me with the fear of sleep. But PRAISE HIM for the times when he brings us the miracles, the miracles that we need, even when we do not dare pray them!!! (The fear of healing means you have the fear of the unknown; it means you are so comfortable not being healthy because it is familiar to you. Have I ever asked God to remove the illness that I have? No I haven’t, and I never will. It is up to God if he removes it. I do NOT need him to remove it in order for me to remain faith to him! If I was confined to a wheelchair, I would still be faithful to him!) (sorry I cannot tell you the deepest, darkest secret fear of the nightmares are, but just PRAY it never happens, because I struggle with the courage to pray it) My love 4 ever, Paul!
Posted on: Fri, 12 Jul 2013 18:25:41 +0000