To piggy-back on what I wrote last night. I have stretched it on purpose but I hope I dont regret posting it. But that’s because I am nervous about tomorrow and finding it hard to find focus on anything but writing at the moment. Writing has become a great way for me to release the anxiety I have and this piece comes from a very deep place. This one might bring up a lot more anxiety than I expect, however, given the content. It’s not my normal writing at all. This is one way to step outside my “normal”. *grin* Way out of my normal. Its part deep thought, part fantasy so take it how you will. If He Exists: If I did say something, it probably would go like this: You possess such strong qualities that literally make me cry because I have never met anyone like you. You therefore can’t be real. And if you are real, I just can’t fathom that you would or could feel the same way. I don’t know that I am strong enough to live up to the expectations of being strong in my own qualities which I know I have. I just don’t know how to access them properly and I would not expect you to have to lift me up from there. That’s mine to bear, not yours. I have exceedingly high standards in those I let into my life, especially in such an intimate way. I fear letting you in will show you how weak I truly am. I don’t want you to feel that I am a burden to you. Then I think on it and you represent that which is good and right about life and how can I be that good and that right too, alone? Yes, I actually do have some belief in myself or I wouldn’t be doing the things I am. Being good and right and alone is not fulfilling. There needs to be that special person that stands with you and supports the things you do. The support is out of mutual souls coming together. It’s just there and it just knows. It exists without a hesitation. I would feel so disappointed in myself if I let you down in any way. Your strength and your prowess in life need to be nurtured and massaged because you have great things in front of you. I would be afraid to hinder that progress. It’s a quandary, I expect so much out of others but the deepest parts of me I feel like a failure. I could not place that burden on your life. It wouldn’t be fair to you and your forward movement. Besides, if it was you and you felt the same way, I would have found before my world cracked. You possess the strengths I lack. I needed that to seep into my life and I still do. So where were you when I needed you then? I need that rock, that one person that can complete me; the only one outside of me that would be a part of me. You’d be there and in my arms tonight. If you were real. You can’t be the one. I’m just not good enough for you. My baggage is heavy. Your shoulders would need to be of monumental strength to take on someone like me. I don’t know what I could offer you other than my devotion and acceptance of your faults. You’re not a robot or a god, you’re a human and though you have wisdom beyond your years because we are intellectual equals in many ways, you are still human. You have great mental strength but I wonder what the fears are that you have. Not because I want you to have them, we all have them, but so those fears you have are understood, appreciated and expressed between the two of us in confidence and in love. Intimacy is more than physical, it’s a connection that is electrical because like me, you too make street lights go out and have other weird electrical anomalies around you. You spark people because of that life inside you. You’ve sparked me. There’s no “Knight in Shining Amour” but the woman in me has always needed one. But how can I love that which isn’t a part of me or are you a part of me right now? Coming to grips with what you represent to me leaves me feeling more alone than I would have ever admitted in my life. My guard is coming down ever so slightly and it’s only coming down because of you. But I don’t want to settle for anything less than what you have to offer but I can’t be the one or I would be a better person and you’d be here tonight, being you, being the part of me that needs to nurture and be nurtured. To be able to touch you, to hug you and feel safe seems like the fantasy of all women, but perhaps there is a reason. Each woman has a need to feel sensual and appreciated. The thought of you in that light, knowing who you are from your core, makes it that much more of a sensual fantasy because there’s a passion of life in your life and anyone that physically sees you knows it. People are drawn to you and you know it. The problem is, will I remain in the background or will I be able to join you? Not just as your woman but as a pillar of my own strength and determination? The conundrum of my life; being in control of my life but can I allow you in? Am I too rigid? Could I bear the thought of having someone that strong in my life? Could I bear the thought of being a burden to another in such an intimate relationship? Do you even exist or are you just something I dreamed up so I won’t let my guard down very far because it is within you, I see you and I see something that is too good to be true. Not out of deceit, au contraire. It is that I don’t deserve you. Perhaps it is you but in a different package. But there’s nobody like you. I want you and I need you but you simply don’t exist or I would have my arms wrapped around you right now. “You Don’t Know Me” – Green Lemon youtu.be/dWVvkeGkpt8
Posted on: Mon, 05 Jan 2015 00:37:24 +0000
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