To the citizens of Durham Region, and Oshawa and Clarington in particular, from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II... In light of your repeatedly demonstrated failure to responsibly manage yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Toronto, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Mayor for Oshawa, Clarington and Cannington, without the need for further elections. The Durham Council is effectively disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as “Canadian English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted accordingly. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out the first task (see above). July 1th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a camera or a book. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. The former Region of Durham will forthwith adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. Canadian brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket. You must tell us who who is financing the asinine decisions of Durham Council. It’s been driving us mad. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1867). Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. Thank you for your cooperation. God Save the Queen! Please note that I am not the author of this post, although I have edited some of the content. For information regarding the history of this essay please click at the bottom of the following post on the matter of a similar revocation for the US of A.
Posted on: Thu, 10 Oct 2013 15:37:51 +0000