To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of closing down the Government in the USA and thus the inability to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, with immediate effect. (You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary). Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you did take notice. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter u will be reinstated in words such as colour, favour, labour and neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary). 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English! Do not be concerned, we will inform Microsoft on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted accordingly to take into account the reinstated letter u and the elimination of -ize. 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without the use of guns, lawyers, or therapists... The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists proves you are not quite ready to be independent! Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. Should you be unable to resolve matters without suing someone, or speaking to a therapist, then you are not ready to shoot grouse either. 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler... Although a permit will be required should you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour... 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices for petrol (which you have been incorrectly calling gasoline) of approximately $10/US gallon. Get used to it! 8. You will also learn to make real chips! Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar. 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all… Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer from now on, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to their beer. Remember they are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them! All American brands of ale will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnats Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys... Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English accent in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater! 11. You will cease playing American football at once. There is only one kind of proper football; we call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 12. Furthermore, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside America. Since only 2% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable... You will learn cricket, and we will allow you to face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries! 13. You must reveal who killed JFK. Its been driving us mad… 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majestys Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper china cups, with saucers, and never mugs. High quality biscuits (not cookies!) and cakes will be served; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!
Posted on: Sat, 26 Oct 2013 20:45:18 +0000
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