Today I am going to tell you a secret about why some autistic people sometimes behave in ways that drive other people away. This is definitely NOT something that ALL autistic people do, and most of us who do it are not doing it consciously. For me, sometimes being around other people is very abrasive. In a physical sense, the smell of their bodies and the sound of their physical presence can make me anxious. I also have to work most of the time I am around other people on interacting with them in ways that make everyone feel okay. Even being around people I love can make me very, very tired. People have tried to teach me skills that will make it easier for other people to be around me without recognizing that sometimes it serves my needs to keep people away. I am almost always ambivalent about deepening my contacts with other people-- yes, this is what makes life worth living but it also really, really hurts. And one thing that I think can be hard for neurotypical people to understand is that the pain of being around other people does not end when I am alone. The things we say and do echo in my head forever. The things I leave unsaid fester and grow. When I let other people into my brain, I can never really be alone. I need other people, I want to enrich their lives, but I also need space from them. I used to think that I had so few friends because other people did not like me. Now I know it is because, although my need for friendship is great, my capacity for friendship is limited. I can be a very good friend, but not to very many people all at once. So, if you are a parent or professional, dont just think about what autistic people can do differently to make other people want to be friends with us. Think also about how much friendship can cost us and how we have to balance needs that may be hard for you to understand. And, if you are autistic-- I have just had to accept that I need more time alone than I would like. That I will always have cool people I would like to know but who I lack the resources to develop relationships with. And, since most of the people I love best are autistic, I also have to learn to accept that sometimes they have less to give me than I would like. And, yes, that is true of the NT people in my life as well, sometimes. We have the same needs, the same capacity to love-- but sometimes in different proportions and at different costs. And, I emphasize again, this is one place where autistic people are different from each other. This is true for me and some other autistic people I know. I also know other autistic people who are not like this, and it can be as hard for them to understand as it is for NT people.
Posted on: Tue, 30 Dec 2014 15:54:35 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015