Today I am grateful that I have the tests results. They completely explain my lower back and leg pain as well as a few other thangs. I wish I could tell you they are promising, but I cant. The tests showed that the cancer has spread to many other areas of my body. It is on my lower back and spine. There are also spots on my liver. The conversation at the doctors quickly changed from treatment to Hospice. Anyhoo, by all measurable medical standards, I do not have a long time left on this side. I am going to take the weekend and formulate a new plan, so save the, “Don’t give up! and Keep fighting comments. I was going to post before the tests yesterday and thought I should just wait for after. Of course, once I got the results I needed to let it sink in before writing. Mom had taken me and she hung out for a while making sure I had all necessary supplies. No sooner than she left, Cindy showed up and we talked and then laughed. Soon Cat arrived with my dinner, baked potato! We had a drive by visit from Cynthia, short but sweet! Cindy stayed with me until I fell asleep. I woke up at 3:31am to a head swirling with all this. It hit me pretty hard. Reflecting on your own mortality is a bit of a morbid process. I intellectually masturbated this for a good hour, trying to find the what can I do good with this and how can I use this to help others parts. I came to a place of peace with it. I have had a really, really full and wonderful life. Realistically, I know it is now really time for, “Hope for the best and plan for the worst.” I know this all seems very tragic. It is! In spite of that element, there are a few perks. Since I may die, I am motivated to cherish each and every moment with the peeps I love. Im slowed down. I have nothing to be in a hurry about. I take the time to really look at thangs. I can look at my life and pull out the icky parts. I can see if I have a regret or resentment. I can try to resolve those. I get to choose what personal items of mine go to which one of my peeps! There is a beauty in all that, which I plan to exploit. Thank you all!
Posted on: Fri, 12 Dec 2014 12:56:30 +0000
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