Today I celebrate 15 years as a cancer survivor. Those years have contained some highs and lows for sure. We were married and had our two sons during those years. My recent mission has been to answer a complicated question. What did it all mean? Since January 2012 I’ve spent many hours trying to understand what life is all about. My month in isolation was perhaps the greatest learning experience of all. My entire life flashed before my eyes over the course of several days while I was in a state that I still cannot explain. I can say that I only “woke up” whenever someone came through my door to tend to me. Each time I woke up with more information. I woke up with more perspective. Thousands of life’s events flashed before my eyes during those days, but it was more than memories of experiences. I could FEEL how each experience affected me and I could only wonder how my behavior had affected others. I realized how each event affected my decision-making as life went on. At the end of “the movie” I learned some truths that I had been seeking for my entire life, all of which I could put to use to go forward living the best life possible. I’ve learned that being a parent is the single most important thing I am ever going to do. To do that to the best of my ability, I realized that I have to be the man I want our two sons to become. What an enormous responsibility. The smallest of things can have a large impact on the people they ultimately become. I learned in that room that, in the end, you really do reflect on how you treated others in your life. It’s a sick feeling to know that you had a negative impact on someone who showed you love, or at the very least, did you no harm. I’ve learned that every experience I’ve ever had, good or bad, with every person I’ve ever crossed paths with has created the man I am at this very moment in time. I’ve learned that there is only one thing in this world that I can control, and that is myself. In the past year I’ve been reminded of just how difficult that is outside of my “cocoon”. I’ve learned that by really learning to understand the different perspectives of the people around me, I can accept things that I do not agree with much more. I don’t have to agree, but by understanding another perspective, I can be more accepting. I’ve learned that achieving and maintaining inner peace is the most important thing that I can do to maintain my remission and give myself the best chance at a long- term survival. I’ve learned that the best path to inner peace is gratitude. Gratitude is easier for me because I can easily go back to Room M831 in my mind and feel what I felt at that time. Whenever I do that, whatever I am going through at the moment pales in comparison. Most things that used to get me wound up were trivial. I’ve made a decision to share every positive or encouraging thought that enters my mind with the people around me and to swallow as many of the negative and discouraging words that enter my mind. For 42 years I had that backwards. I’ve learned that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, THINGS don’t create happiness. I didn’t wish I had more things. I didn’t miss my things even for a second. I missed my wife and our boys. I missed my freedom and the people in my life. I’ve learned that there is no greater joy than knowing you did something that made someone else’s day just a little bit better. I’ve made a decision to surround myself with the most positive people and my cancer journey has blessed me with hundreds, if not thousands, of people that I would not have otherwise met. I’ve learned to live in the moment and absorb all of the good things life has to offer. By being in a situation where I desperately needed people to get through every hour of each day, I’ve learned to value the billions of people I share this world with. People from all walks of life and every corner of the world helped me through the past 15 years. Everyone has the ability to add value to my life so I need to add value to their lives. I’ve learned that every moment spent with our boys is a moment that I am in exactly the right place doing exactly the right thing. Life is easier when you never waste a minute wishing you were somewhere else. At my worst, I couldn’t remember anything for more than a minute. Similar to when a person loses their sight and they develop a more keen sense of hearing, when I couldn’t remember people I developed a keen sense of how each person made me feel and how they were feeling. When my memory returned I was able to keep that gift. In some strange way I can feel what people are feeling regardless of what they are saying. It’s a blessing and a curse. The simple truth is that anger is most often a disguise for fear and pain. I’ve developed a very deep empathy for anyone who struggles in any way. My journey took me through more physical and mental challenges than I can count. I understand the fear that goes along with not being physically or mentally able to care for yourself and I understand that no one on this earth asked to be handicapped in any way. I am extremely lucky because I’ve gained so much of what I had back. So many people don’t get that luxury. For about two hours on my fifth day of chemo (of eight) I believed I would not make it through the day. Strangely, I was at peace with it. I was at peace for one reason. I tried my very best to get my life on track for the prior twelve months. It was clunky, and from the outside I know it didn’t seem like it, but I was trying hard. I believe we are supposed to try. I’ve had another 19 months to figure out where I went wrong in those twelve months. When I asked myself what I really contributed to the world in my first 42 years, I didn’t like the answer so I am extremely grateful to have another chance to change that. I’ve learned that every day is a chance to improve, to learn, and to grow. I am a life-long learner. I am truly blessed and grateful for the past 15 years. Life is good.
Posted on: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 18:41:59 +0000
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