Today I confessed, I am an avoider. I am strong willed, intelligent and I am physically strong. I have a high physical pain threshold...but I avoid emotional pain at all costs. I bury it deep within myself. I hide it under layers of fat. I dont want to be uncomfortable and one of my uncomfortable triggers is other peoples discomfort and unhappiness. Especially their unhappiness with me. But I am furious and I am deeply aggrieved. I grieve over circumstances that changed my entire outlook and direction in life. And I am angry at those who judge me when all I have done my entire life is bury my grief to save others from their own discomfort. I do not want to marr anyone elses reality. So accuse me of being irresponsible because you will never know the real responsibiloties I have taken on to protect your reality and save you the grief of professing your irresponsibility toward me. Judge me as a parent and know that my house may never be a clean pristine environment but my children have always and will always be safe here. They have never known fear. And I have always been the person they can turn to if they have needed me. No matter how I have coped in my life today I have learnt that it is going to be better to deal with the pain and anger and grief than to avoid the discomfort others will feel in the truth. I have known for a long time what has held me back from achieving my goals. I no longer want to carry the burden of the responsibility I chose such a long long time ago. The responsibility to be quiet, the responsibility to cope, the responsibility in keeping others perfect reality together with my masking tape, the responsibility of being forever cheerful, of never expressing anger or hurt. I dont want to bury myself umder layers of fat, or eat my feelings, or feel the need to hide becaise I should feel ashamed or shelter all who read this from such a difficult taboo hidden subject that embarrass es people or makes them feel uncomfortable to read it. Today the dam cracked and I dont want to patch it up. I want to release it all.
Posted on: Mon, 20 Oct 2014 04:41:23 +0000
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