Today I had a break down. I really did. By the end of the story its a breakthrough. And I hope this very vulnerable share can assist other breakthroughs. Let me give you the back story... For at least a month, my ears have have fluid in them from eustachian tube dysfunction. When ears are clogged, it can cause mild hearing loss, vertigo, hearing sensitivity (and overall annoyance). In my case, the additional complication is that I am fully deaf in one ear and without one of my balance nerves (from brain surgery in 2004). The symptoms of fluid in the ears is very intense for me as I am already prone to vertigo with one less balance nerve, and also the reduced hearing when deaf already in one ear is not fun :( Additionally, what is most concerning is that when fluid has been in there for many months and not cleared via different options of Sudafed, steroid nasal sprays, Prednisone, Afrin, the ear is usually drained via a small slit in the ear to let the fluid drain out. However, that is not recommended when the other ear is deaf as there is always a chance that the incision could cause hearing loss- making me almost entirely deaf or deaf. Its a complicated thing. After trying all of the above prescribed medications for almost two weeks, the fluid remains in both of my ears. This process has been time, energy and financially consuming and it has occurred 4 out out of the 5 last years during the winter and lasted several months each time... so I am just over it on all levels! I have been bringing my warrior spirit through it all (well most of it) and just putting all good intention to knowing (and I do know) that it will clear up and that I can just ride through the discomfort as it is only temporary for a few months. Which brings me to today. I woke up with my ears hurting worse than they have yet and also my stomach upset from medications. I NEVER take medications, so you know if I am taking Predinisone it is a pretty major thing as I even refused most of the pain medication after brain surgery. I will not take meds unless it is an absolute last straw for me... I started getting emotionally upset because I have a mastermind coming up this week in Tampa and I cant fly with fluid in the years... I found myself feeing very alone. Alone that I have physical restriction gifts that keep on giving since brain surgery, alone that I have gone through so much in my past with health and rebuilt my body so many times, alone that I continue to experience the ear issues in the present moment and I cant really explain to anyone how it feels to be in my head with this going on, alone that I will miss probably this mastermind trip, and alone because I feel that I cant really talk about it with anyone because I dont want to have people take their precious time to listen to my feelings and concerns because they are all busy and it would take away from their day. I was really feeling alone because I have made myself alone because I am a survivor, so for me. I also feel alone. I went out to the kitchen this morning, my soul already crying, but my body on the verge. I walked right into one of my dear housemates and just broke down sobbing in his arms. My two other best girlfriends came over and they were hugging me and singing to me. It was very difficult for me to let them in and I could witness me telling myself They are busy and have other things to do. Renee, you are being high maintenance. While at the same time telling myself This feels so good, I can not do this life alone anymore. I spoke out loud as these different voices came up and to my surprise I declared to my friends - I am choosing to release the belief system that I need to do everything alone. I cried pretty deeply for a while. In my minds eye, I saw many instances over the last few years where I witnessed successful people around me in the mindset of being strong and doing things alone and even advice to me that you cant really be successful collaborating, you need to do it on your own. While I understand that this advice was good intentioned... I witnessed today that I had actually taken that guidance and layered on top of my already deep inclination towards being a survivor (and as someone who has had three near death experiences, my survivor is VERY strong) and that I need to do things alone. You see, when you are dying... as I have much in this life... you are dying alone. You really are. There is a beauty and grace in that fact. But what I have been doing the last few years is dying as I am trying to live. I took this advice about self success to mean that I am more capable alone and that it is a weakness to want or need help or care from others. So, basically even when I receive there has still been a major layer of discomfort there. I even have judged other people helping me. Even though I have close friendships, I have held a lot of them at bay in attempt to not get hurt, or not get too intimate because then I would be depressed somehow. I have probably also felt not good enough to be fully loved, or even felt too good to be loved by certain people. Or afraid that if I am not alone that I would have all this extra responsibility that I would not want. A part of me has felt so isolated, in struggle and depressed for the last few years. And it is NOT ME. I cant die anymore as I am living. I can not and I will not. Today, I am choosing to release the belief system that I am alone and that success and empowerment can only be created alone. Today, I am choosing to live again. Like, really live again. I dont know what that looks like, but I know its what I am choosing. I am very grateful to my ears for providing me this portal into greater blossoming and for my heart for seeing the gateway to walk through and for moving in to it despite judgement and resistance. I am very grateful to my friends who have been here for me the last day in a deep way. I am not tagging you here as you know who you are and this is a very sacred share for me.
Posted on: Mon, 12 Jan 2015 20:05:12 +0000
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