Today, I turned 42 years old. Im a teacher, former reservist, mother for 14 years, and a woman. I have been going to marriage and personal counseling for most of this year. It is not the first round of doing this for my marriage. I am addressing a very long pattern that has resulted in a variety of advice from professionals, friends, and even people that dont seem to believe there might be problems. I filed a Separate Maintenance after 14 years in August on the grounds of Domestic Violence relating to verbal, mental, and financial abuse. I chose not to file for Divorce because it was something that was threatened to me if I owned my own bank account, if I separated temporarily, or if I didnt like the way things were going at home. My childrens love and custody were thrown at me to make me crumble. I fought back with words, crying, and thoughts of worry or despair. I said No More. I simply wanted to protect those rights and make some changes that were not supported equally by my better half. Many things were mutually taking place, yet many things were not. Our health over the last several years has fluctuated, and patterns of narcissism have infected my marriage. There has been a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress and anxiety, so I kept going even though my better half stopped. I did not want to just quit. I wanted a quiet home for my kids. It has been an interesting year thus far with that, in addition to my sons second car accident, my other sons grades fluctuating, my medical leave due to knee, foot, and eye complications, and moving out of the house that is owned by my in-laws. They themselves have been deemed some interesting things by my better half in reference to some ridiculous inheritance I dont want to deal with. It is actually the crutch that kept me going to just take care of family on my own. I honestly endured a lot of attached strings behind closed doors, and I felt it was toxic for all. I filed in August once my savings for teacher recertification was encumbered by my better half. I moved in September once I found a structured place to live. In October, I rescheduled a surgery due to available finances. In November, a trip was planned by my better half and two children to fly out of town this weekend, and the date the plane tickets were purchased were on the same date that I filed. Yesterday, my life insurance lapsed, even though I have been adamant about having 50% fairness with paying joint debt. I beat a dead horse. I was told.....told....that I did not need life insurance, and that it was no big deal. I was told that my better half kept his portion though, and I do still have a court order that protects both of us from letting them lapse. I have maintained health insurance for my entire family. My better half has not contributed. I maintained auto insurance for both of us until I could not do it anymore. It was transferred. For three months, I have been paying over $300 more towards preexisting joint debt than my better half, and the balances left in my name thus far exceed my better halfs by a large amount. These debt balances were always typically lowered with large monetary gifts from his family every year at Christmas, and used for monthly expenses that I was often told to watch according to his budget. It was the way it worked, the way I was told, we have always done it. I was told to enjoy the perks. I was told to modify things that defined me as a person in the process. That monthly $300 equates to a student loan payment that I have been paying on consistently this year and developed throughout the course of my marriage. I was always told that our student loans did not fit into the budget, and that they were not going to be something we would ever have to worry about in the long run. I argued many times to pay those student loans. That annual Christmas gift was something that started as a conversation, ended up in a card, and was spent through the checking account before I would even see it in a card that was resealed every year for 14 years. It was sickening, yet so easy to just preoccupy us. The student loans were always argued back at me to just dont worry about it. I never really understood that mentality, but it was easier to agree with someone I married. Today, on my birthday, my better half informed me that he traded the car he was driving in for a new one, and that he was going to default on the one that I am driving. I am a cosigner on that car. I have deferred my student loan myself this time for the purpose of the transition with moving, and I have made arrangements for medical care, knowing that 2015 will be busy with addressing those co-pay bills. I will still have my teaching certification since I filed a Motion to make sure I was reimbursed that funding which was taken away from me back in August. It was the final straw that resulted in me filing. I filed a second Motion once my life insurance lapsed. I am financially stable. I have a good job. I do not need to be responsible for debt that was accrued throughout a marriage just because someone thought they would inherit it away. It is quite obvious after three months that my actions changed that plan of action. I have taken on some debt that has developed over time with a person who seems to think that my right to make a safe and quiet place for our children deserves some kind of consequence. I was just informed yesterday, that my better half could not contribute 50% in all fairness towards the preexisting joint debt. I was told that a lot of it is in my name, and that I would have to deal with it. In the process, I have been told by my better halfs mother that I should go hang out at a womens shelter to see what Domestic Violence and Abuse really is. I see it is really more than what most think. I do. Financial abuse is real, and so is the verbal, mental, and emotional hardships that develop between families over repetitive patterns. No vacation, gift, or phrase of words can make that easily go away. It takes change. Despite all of this random yet expected behavior, and despite the fact that I am not cleared to return to work until after the winter break, I am still thankful for a few things. I am thankful for the right to cancel those flights. I cancelled them because my kids have things to address, as well as myself and better half in reference to financial conflict, mutual respect, and the freedom to make choices, feel, and think. I didnt even buy the tickets. I was never informed nor asked permission if my children could even leave for a holiday weekend over my birthday. I was actually offered a ticket myself...IF...if I rescind the Separate Maintenance and agree to reconcile my marriage right away. I was told that I was the only one with problems. I was told I was making things up. I was told I was crazy. I was told certain people in the family and close friends hate me. BUT, filing for Separate Maintenance was intended to protect me. It was intended to allow me my own bank account. It was intended to protect family insurance policies, all of them. It was intended to protect joint community debt, assets, and property. It was intended to allow myself and my better half time to think, redirect, and grow. It was intended for Sundays to be more family-oriented, sane, and respectfully quiet. Why? It is because I am still thankful for a few things. Im thankful that my kids have a father, as he does not treat his children like he treats me. Im thankful I am learning how to cope when someone does not approve of who I am or what I dream. Im thankful that I can utilize community resources to help me with the legal process. Im thankful I have the right to live where I want. Im thankful for being able to communicate with my employer, doctors, and people that understand. Im thankful I have made it to another birthday. Im thankful that I am able to admit that I am not perfect and still have a lot of effort to invest, as well as put into action. Im most thankful that the first words my children said to me today were, Happy Birthday Mom. I look forward to todays fall sunset, and look forward to each sunrise. I have done that consistently since I filed. I will continue to do that every day until this form of financial control and desperate argumentative conversation is not part of my life. Today, I turned 42 years old. Today, I asked my better half to file for divorce...to make the debt 50% fair, which will allow me to rise out of this choice that gave second chances...with no threats based on if I do this or that, or whether or not I tell them or those people. With no yelling. No accusations. No doors. No children overhearing. It is my birthday, and I see that my choices have had consequences. I am going to enjoy the sunset and sunrise for my birthday, and every day to 43.
Posted on: Sun, 30 Nov 2014 00:07:46 +0000
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