Today I went cross-country skating on a frozen lake. Now, I’ve done this before twice, both times two years ago, and I sucked at it. I sucked a bit less the second time, but sucked nevertheless, but I had very fond memories of doing it and have been looking forward to doing it again ever since, and today- with girlfriend and her Dad and brother- I got the chance. Here’s how it went from when we left the shack by the lake where you can rent the skates and shoes (I’ve changed the names to protect the innocent, but since I’ve already said it was my girlfriend and her family that might not work out so much): Scene: by the edge of a frozen lake full of laughing, happy ice-skating Swedes. It’s a picturesque scene; little wooden cabins for hire dot the landscape, punctuated by a 19th century wooden coffee house and the rental shack. Characters: Tex, a middle aged foreign guy of dubious character. Popcorn, 30, his girlfriend, beautiful and kind and an awesome skater, Milton Berle, her father, an all around nice guy, Lord Albin, her 20 year old brother, a young man of mystery who owns a small parcel of land in Scotland given to him by Tex as a present once (seriously). They stand at the edge of the ice. Popcorn (to Tex): well, this is it! Let’s go! Tex: But I don’t have any poles. Popcorn: You don’t need poles. Tex: I like the poles. Can I go and rent some poles? Popcorn: They don’t rent poles; you have to bring them. Anyway, last time you said you didn’t like the poles. Tex: No, last time your Mom said I wasn’t going to get poles next time so I’d learn faster. I liked the poles. I still like the poles. I want poles. Popcorn: Are you just gonna pole your way around? Tex: um... not the whole time... but sometimes.... Popcorn: Maybe you can ask Milton Berle if you can use his poles. Milton Berle: Someone call my name? Tex: Can I use your poles? Milton Berle: You need poles? Tex: I need poles. Milton Berle: We should’ve brought more poles. Popcorn: But we didn’t. Milton Berle: You can use my poles. Tex: Thanks. They begin to skate. Popcorn, Milton Berle, and Lord Albin glide gracefully across the ice; Tex looks like he’s being attacked by flying monkeys but he cruises along without falling because, you know, he’s got poles. He alternates between tentatively skating for a bit and poling himself along for a bit and then back to skating. Lord Albin: Is cross-country skating easier than normal skating, you think? Tex: No way! This uses a different balance, which I have yet to master. This is, like, 20 times harder. For me anyhow. The great irony here, which the audience will glean, is that Tex sucks on regular ice skates as well; he just doesn’t suck as much as these ones because, you know, these ones require a different kind of balance. I can keep repeating that if anyone doesn’t get it by now. Tex begins cruising a little more fluidly for a stretch but suddenly wipes out on the ice. Popcorn helps him up because there is no way he is ever going to get up all by himself, even if he tried until the sun became a cold ball of rock in the lifeless sky, by which time it wouldn’t really matter much anyhow. Popcorn: My phone’s stopped working. It’s too cold so it died. I wanted to take photos of everything. Tex: You can take mine I guess. Hey, by “everything” did you mean photos of me wiping out and looking dorky in my white helmet and pink belt (which I forgot to mention till now)? Popcorn: No, of course not. Tex: Okay, did you mean VIDEOS of me wiping out and looking dorky in my white helmet and pink belt? Popcorn: Why do think that’s all I want to do? Tex: I notice that that’s not a no, but okay you can have my phone. Popcorn: I just want to take photos of the lovely day out here on the ice. They skate. Tex switches to just keeping his feet still and poling himself forward. Tex: Damn. Popcorn: What? Tex: I lost it. Popcorn: Lost what? Tex: The art of skating. I had for a little bit before I wiped out, but I’ve lost it now and can’t remember. Popcorn: You can just use the poles then. Tex: But there’s patches of snow on the ice and I brake when I don’t want to cause I’m going too slow and then the poles are a liability. Popcorn: So skate faster. Tex: Gee, I hadn’t thought of that. Popcorn: Don’t be snarky. Tex: I’m just frustrated, not snarky. Popcorn: They sound exactly the same. Tex: Well, they’re not the same. One inspires sympathy; the other is just snarky. Tex poles himself along for a while, getting increasingly frustrated because he can’t remember the noble art of skating (although to be honest, he’s not too bad at the noble art of poling yourself along). Popcorn: You know, it’s not a whole lot of fun listening to someone just complain. Tex: But I had it! Like the end of last time; I had it. Popcorn: You’re re-inventing the past. You didn’t have it last time. Tex: I did! Right at the end before we went home. Popcorn: Nope. You didn’t have it. You looked like you were being attacked by flying monkeys. You know, with the poles waving around and all. Tex: I just can’t focus since I wiped out back there. It ruined my concentration. Popcorn: But you’re doing good. You’re actually doing better than last time. Tex: Hey! Are you filming me?! Popcorn: No, I’m filming the lovely sunset. Look how lovely it is! Just lovely. Tex: Seriously, there are enough photos and videos of me being a dork on the Internet as it is; the world doesn’t need any more. Popcorn: I’m not filming you. Tex: ...and every time the camera is pointed at me I wipe out anyhow. Popcorn: Alright, McCarthy, I bet it’s the communists’ fault. Tex: Look, just... don’t take photos of me. It ruins my concentration. Lord Albin: Turn around! Tex: What? No way! Lord Albin and Popcorn: Turn around! Tex: I’m not turning around. Why should I turn around? I’ll wipe out if I turn around. And you’re just waiting to make videos of me anyhow. Lord Albin and Popcorn: Seriously, turn around!!! Tex stops and turns around. Tex: Okay, I’m turned around. Now what? Popcorn: Go back the way we came. Tex: Why? Shouldn’t we follow the whole loop? Lord Albin: the whole loop is five kilometers and you’ve gone about two. It’s a lot longer if you keep going. Tex: So... so... what you’re saying is that I have an absolute minimum of two kilometers left to skate??? Milton Berle: You can take off the skates and walk. It’s shorter since it’s straight across. Tex: No, no. I’ll manage. Milton Berle: is this boring? Tex: No. It’s... no, really, I enjoy it, especially the little bits where it goes well. Sorry I’m complaining. I just got really frustrated when I lost focus after I wiped out and now I just can’t seem to remember how to do anything. I’m moving my feet like a little kid who can’t skate does. Tex suddenly wipes out for a second time. Popcorn helps him up, not wishing to have him remain there until the sun is a cold dark ball in a lifeless sky. Milton Berle: Well, you know, it’s juts practice, Tex. You just keep doing it and every time you do it a little bit better and then you realize you know how to do it after a while and it’s a lot of fun, but more importantly, you feel a great sense of satisfaction for learning how. We’re all children at first- KARMA INTERVENES. Not kidding! God must’ve been wondering, “Gee, I wonder how Indy’s doing today?” and chosen just that moment to look in on me, and decided he didn’t like Milton Berle’s little lecture about the value of hard work and stick-to-it-ness because out of the blue and in mid lecture, Milton Berle wipes out. His skates fly out from under him and even his glasses go flying. Popcorn and Lord Albin laugh harder than they’ve ever laughed in their lives. Lord Albin is laughing so hard he might possibly have a stroke. The laughter is the kind of hilarious laughter that lifts the soul and makes mankind stronger. Bubbling infectious laughter. Popcorn: You totally deserved that! Milton Berle: I was just saying th- Popcorn: No, no, you deserved that! “We’re all children at first”, seriously? That’s not going to make him feel better about his skating skills. Tex: I’ve only wiped out twice so far. Lord Albin: Really? It feels like it was a lot more than that. Tex: Ha ha. They skate the remaining distance back to the shore. Okay, Tex mostly poles himself along by this point. What would he have done without the poles? Tex’s mood is seemingly of the same color as the lifeless sky I mentioned before once the sun has died. They reach the shore of the frozen lake. Far across the lake, the sun slowly sinks beneath the horizon. They remove their skates. Milton Berle: Tell you what, let’s go up to the old coffee house and have a snack and some coffee. My treat! And Tex, sorry you didn’t have a good time out- Tex: ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? THAT WAS GREAT!!! THAT’S LIKE THE MOST FUN THING THERE IS TO DO IN THE WORLD! IT’S MORE FUN THAN FLYING MONKEYS! I WISH I COULD DO THAT EVERY DAY! I WISH I DIDN’T HAVE TO GO BACK TO STOCKHOLM TOMORROW SO WE COULD COME AGAIN AND MAYBE DO THE WHOLE FIVE KILOMETERS! THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME SPORT THERE IS! I’M SORRY I WAS SUCH A WHINER, BUT I GOT REALLY FRUSTRATED WHEN I LOST FOCUS AFTER I WIPED OUT, BUT AT THE END THERE I WAS DOING OKAY AGAIN. LIKE THAT LAST CURVY BIT? I DID GOOD THERE; I WAS HARDLY POLING AT ALL! THANKS SO MUCH FOR TAKING ME; I LOVE THIS! DID I TELL YOU HOW AWESOME I THINK THIS IS? I HOPE IT’S REALLY COLD IN STOCKHOLM THIS WINTER AND WE GET SOME GOOD ICE IN TOWN SO I CAN DO IT A LOT MORE OFTEN. THIS WAS AWESOME! AND IT’S SO F*CKING BEAUTIFUL OUT HERE! THIS IS AWESOME!!! And he truly, truly meant every single word of it! Cross-country skating is awesome and I bet it’ll be even more awesome when I get the hang of it better. Thank you a million times Linnea Sundqvist, Benny Sundqvist Sundqvist, and Albin Sundqvist for bringing me out on the ice again and putting up with me. I love it! ...and they all lived happily ever after.
Posted on: Sun, 28 Dec 2014 17:29:56 +0000
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