Today Im thankful. Im thankful for the chain of events that lead me to being where I am today. Around this time last year, I started to get sick. I thought it was an allergic reaction or something because it would come and go. It became more frequent and intense. I could tell when it was going to start happening when I would stutter. I felt brain fog constantly. I would suddenly realize I was holding an object and I would completely forget why I was holding that object and where i was going. I couldnt remember picking it up. I would lose my train of thought mid sentence. Feeling embarrassed, i chalked it up to my attention deficit disorder that I have had since I was young. I would feel silly explaining myself to friends and coworkers. Everything felt like an excuse. Still, I became angry that ADHD was the cause and I felt hopeless for my future. Not only was I having these signs of forgetting things, i had fits of insomnia that also assumed was part of the ADHD and anxiety I have. The communication barrier between me and my job became closed off. I was sick of explaining to people who thought I was just making excuses and the humiliation of it all. Relationships became affected. Along with the mental symptoms, the physical symptoms began taking its toll. My body would be struck with pain, I constantly felt tired, weak, empty, my brain felt like it was buzzing. Doctors would dismiss the symptoms. I couldnt get answers. I got so angry with this, that I again spiraled into a depression that no one believed me or wanted to help. In may, I took matters into my own hands and scheduled an appointment with a rheumatologist whom a friend with rheumatoid arthritis recommended. My blood work and first chest xray showed no signs of abnormalities but he could see the physical symptoms. I started seeing a new PCP at Peace Health SW Washington. Fast forward through the summer where i experienced extreme weight loss and further personal health complications. I returned to work from my medical leave in september. Then October 1st, after life threatening symptoms struck me, I went to the ER where i had an emergency surgery scheduled for the next morning. A few weeks later, my legs started forming black and blue bruising, literal bumps and swelling were appearing out of no where. My rheumatologist immediately knew what it was. But not the root cause yet. Due to the recent blood work done, he couldnt order any tests until a few more months of letting my body calm down from the recent surgery. Since then, I have taken matters into my own hands. I did research through Peace Healths website and called their neurology center, where they said i needed a referral from my PCP. This morning my PCP notified me she submitted my referral and I was able to schedule an appointment, their availability starting in February. They are putting me on a wait list for all specialists so if a cancellation happens I can be seen sooner. I feel grateful that I found a new PCP. I am grateful I never gave up or let the medical industry be the ones to decide the time line of this. Rheumatology goes off blood work and xrays, but neurology goes off physical tests and examinations. I feel deep in my heart that being my own advocate and making it happen to get a referral to see a neurologist, changing PCPs, taking a medical leave this summer, meeting the most amazing friends, having my whole world collapse and crumble, the defeat and lack of control I have over my health and the changes and challenges..... I am so thankful that right now nothing makes sense, Im in a lonely dark unknown, but Im trying. My knees are getting weaker, but Ill keep going. So.... hopefully this is the right way to go. I need to get this figured out before Im 26 and off of my fathers insurance and potentially unemployed. I cant wait any more. Im thankful that even when I feel overall weak, i cant sleep and I cant think straight,..... but I am an incredible woman who has yet to become stronger than I could expect. Thats life, thats what all the people say. Youre riding high in april, shot down in may. But I know Im gonna change that tune, when Im back on top in june. Thats life, and as funny as it may seem, some people get their kicks stompin on a dream. But i dont let it get me down. Cause this fine ol world, it keeps spinning around. Thats life. I tell ya, i cant deny it. I thought of quitting baby, but my heart just aint gonna buy it. And if I didnt think it was worth one single try, Id jump right on a big bird and then Id fly. Ive been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king. Ive been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing: each time I find myself flat on my face, I just pick myself up and get back in the race. Thats life, and I cant deny it. Many times I thought of cutting out, but my heart wont buy it. ♡
Posted on: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 20:26:30 +0000
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