Today, by far has been probably the most challenging day for me since his funeral. It started off rocky and took a nose dive which I havent been able to recover from. I woke up thinking about back to school and the fact that Aiden starts 6th grade and He wont be here for it. I read about college posts today that had me feel each parents pain and excitement as they were preparing to send off their kids to college--some for the first time. This which reminded me of what it will be like when that time comes knocking on our door. This afternoon as I got into my car and drove to the auto body shop with my brother to pick up his car I felt dread through out my entire body. A task that has been prolonged since my arrival in California. The auto body shop was so empathetic to our situation and let his car sit there for nearly two weeks. I just havent been able to bring myself to picking it up. I was fine the whole way there and most of the time while waiting on paperwork. With about 5 minutes left before receiving the keys i stepped out... It hit me! Like an avalanche! I could not go back in so my brother finished with the paperwork and drove his car for me. It was clean. It is never clean. How many mechanics do you know with a clean work car? I dont know any. And Mike certainly wasnt one of them. He admired nice vintage cars but was never a car guy! Does that make sense? He loved cars but could care less what he drove. The simpler the better and he has driven each into the ground! A few of his CDs were left on the passenger seat which were left behind after my initial sweep of the car. I grabbed what was in the CD player... Rush of course, along with 5 other RUSH CDs and a Van Halen one which i happily handed over to the funeral home director who burned all 7 CDs and made a play list out of them to be played during his visitation. When I peaked in the passenger window two things caught my attention: 1, his car was pretty damn clean. Perhaps the cleanest I had seen it in years! 2, two CDs were left on the seat. Both House Mixes that we bought together when we first got back together at a small little Kiosk, upper level at Fox Valley Mall. That guy had the best jams from Old School DJs like Julian Jumping Perez. That was one of the CDs. It brought back so many memories from when we were young and relatively new into our relationship (maybe 3 years into it). We loved to go out and dance back then. So much fun! There are so many memories! They should bring me peace but it didnt today. I struggled to see the road. I was drawing in my tears the whole way home. Every song I heard on the way reminded my of him and were songs that he either liked, I liked, or we both did. I pulled into my driveway and my brother pulled in beside me. He shut the car off but I couldnt. I cried, and cried, and cried. Seeing his car beside me and knowing he will no longer be driving just set me to a place of no return. I tried to get it together because I know it was affecting my brother. I didnt want him to see me that way. I know what it is like to hurt because someone you love hurts. I felt that way for my brother many of times. I finally pulled myself together because I knew i had to take the kids and a friend to target for a couple of last minute things for school and house. I managed to get through the afternoon and even smiled a smile or two with the kids. When we got back I stopped at the edge of the driveway and asked each kid to help with a garbage container while i grabbed the mail. The mail! Its hard to get through opening the mail without any tears. I thought I would be good today. It was the first day since he passed that there wasnt a card in the mail. I opened something that look like from my dads estate. Yes I am in charge of that. As i opened the letter the flood gates opened back up as I realized i received something I didnt think or expect to be receiving. I quickly flipped through the mail and i saw a yellow envelope from the funeral home (which i would gladly recommend to anyone, they were fantastic to work with). Enclosed was a receipt for the funeral costs which showed paid in full but also within the envelope was another one from Loyola Univeristy. For those that didnt know, Mike graduated from Loyola University Lake Shore Campus with a Bachelors in Biology. The letter read as follows: On Behalf of Loyola University Chicago, I offer my sincere condolences for your recent loss. Please know that Michael Cortinas( Mike Cortinas) will be remembered at Loyolas Mass of Remembrance, which will be held at 5 p.m. the first Sunday in November. Additionally, a book in the Universitys library will be dedicated to your loved one, whose name will be enrolled in the Book of the Dead at Madonna della Strada Chapel on Loyolas Lake Shore Campus. Rev. Michael J. Garazini, S.J. That was it, i could not save myself from grief today. Two completely unexpected surprises today that just put me over the edge. Yes, I manage to put one foot in front of the other every day. It is not easy. There are days I just dont want to. And quite frankly, if it werent for my children...my beautiful and strong and talented children who i see Mike in every single day, I dont know if I would be as strong as everyone sees me to be. So, I guess On November 2, I will be headed downtown to that beautiful campus Mike called home for a few years and honor him during the mass that he will be remembered at.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Aug 2014 02:38:16 +0000
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