Today is Fast Food Monday! Friday I totally forgot to eat unhealthily and accidentally increased my lifespan by 2.3 weeks, and this upcoming Friday I will be at a convention so YOU KNOW Ill be rolling in alfalfa sprouts and quinoa. What better time than now, therefore, to sample the delicacy that James Coney Island calls: The Slopper. A big shout-out to Justin S. Davis on this one. Justin has become my go-to guy for pointing out culinary perversions of nature, such as the Mountain Dew-flavored Cheetos, which is an actual thing, but not a thing that is super easy to get (since its Japanese) nor a thing that is super easy to enjoy eating (since its Japanese). Thank you, Justin, for pointing me at an advertisement for The Slopper, which is a hamburger smothered in chili. Even without seeing the ad, you can imagine its lack of visual appeal. The picture appears to show a grim dome rising above a viscous swamp of putrescence, like the Headquarters of the Legion of Doom, or George Lopezs bum kidney. I hastened to the James Coney Island drive-thru, where I learned an important lesson: it is impossible to say, let alone order, The Slopper in an un-ironic fashion. I attempted to say Ill have a Slopper and a large drink, please, but what actually came out was Ill have The Slopper! with a suitable pause after the word have, and the entire sentence uttered with the kind of shit-eating grin that is actually audible. The cashier took all this with aplomb, but when my order was complete she accidentally left her mic on for a few stray seconds, and I heard her call out The SloppURRRR! to her kitchen crew, drawing out her Rs in a way that I could only interpret as conveying supreme disdain for her own food product. Ad people: if your own service personnel cannot coolly say the name of your own item, you have a problem. It doesnt help that The Slopper sounds like something that you have to ask for special on Canal Street, and even then it costs you an extra $35 and you have to bring your own latex glove. I brought The Slopper (I cant even write it un-ironically) home and ate it. I have to say, this is probably the tastiest food I have ever bought at James Coney Island. The bar for this is set extremely low, however, because I think their hot dogs taste terrible; theyre rubbery and over-salted. If I were stranded on an icy mountaintop with nothing to eat but a James Coney Island hot dog and Lana del Rey, I would use the hot dog to club Lana del Rey senseless and toboggan-ride her to the nearest Stuckeys. But I wouldnt eat either of them. Eat Lana del Rey? Thats sick, man. The Slopper is a pretty good sized all-beef patty, broiled, on a bun with a fair amount of mustard, with diced onions on top, and then slathered in chili and cheese. The chili is really not bad as far as fast-food chili goes; it beats the crap out of Wendys, thats for sure. The patty was pretty flavorful, and I thought the mustard really pulled it all together. Downsides: I felt the onion was chopped too small and hence didnt have any crunch to it; also, at $11.02 for burger and drink, this is too expensive for what you get. But I enjoyed what I got, and while I may find myself weeping bitterly on the john tonight at 4AM, right now Im a happy Slopper Joe, and I wouldnt say no to Slopper Seconds. This food product is recommended for messy people, your fat uncle, and people forced to eat at James Coney Island at gunpoint. 3/5, it wears the bib while eating this or it gets the hose again.
Posted on: Tue, 03 Jun 2014 01:26:21 +0000
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